A big part of football is game planning.  Defensive coaches game plan against upcoming offenses to see what their strengths and weaknesses are, and conversely, offensive coaches game plan against defenses to see what the best course of action might be against based on personnel.

Lane Kiffin, and the entire country knew full well what the Tennessee personnel consisted of: Montario Hardesty.  And, um.  Yeah, that’s it, Montario Hardesty.  So that being common knowledge, Lane Kiffin decided to do what any no other coach would do, start, and consequently pass with Jonathan Crompton.  Wait, what?

Crompton has been all over the place.  Against Western Kentucky, he looked like he should have been the Heisman candidate, then quickly, that feeling gave way to a feeling of “wtf? zomg, why are they starting Jonathan Crompton?”  Obviously the answer lies in that Kiffin has been setting up the pass for the past 5 weeks or so.

No one.  NO ONE saw it coming.  Myself, as a fan, Georgia as a defense, the fans in the stands, the people watching at home, the commentators at the game, the grandmas and grandpas in the expensive seats, the janitors cleaning up bulldog vomit on the sidelines, the cheerleaders (the hot ones and the tubby ones), the dance team (who are all consistently hot), the pirates in Somalia, the beret-wearers in France, the scientists in the Antarctic, the dental hygienist who was a little too rough with my sensitive gums even though I told her that I had fucking sensitive gums, saw this coming.

On my expert count, I counted that we ran about 4 plays.  One was a play-action roll out left pass, one was a play-action roll out right pass, one was a play-action drop back pass, and the last one was a hand off to Monterio.  It was roughly the same number of plays that Randy Sanders used to call except that “incomplete pass” and “no-blocker screen pass” weren’t taking up 50% of the playbook.

For the Tennessee fans, other than the special teams lapses, probably the worst part of the game was that the Eric Berry return was considered a fumble recovery and not an interception return.  It seemed like someone told Berry about what happened and he played a little more angry the rest of the game.  Which made the Georgia offense immediately soil themselves.  I may have pooed a little too.

Georgia is a bit of a conundrum this year.  On one hand, they did lose 3 star offensive players, but at the same time, they played a Tennessee team that starts Jonathan Crompton.  Georgia did come off a heartbreaking loss last week to LSU, but Tennessee started Jonathan Crompton.  I’d say it’s a push.

Many on the Georgia message boards are screaming that the sky is falling, and perhaps it is.  But others were quick to point out that Mike Bobo v. Monte Kiffin kind of isn’t fair.  It kind of isn’t.  But Tennessee started Jonathan Crompton.  Willie Martinez (which sounds like a dirty sexual position btw), wasn’t able to adjust to the offensive juggernaut of four offensive plays.  It’ll be interesting to see how Georgia responds in the coming weeks.  Will they be able to regroup, and beat Florida like everyone wants them to?  Will they be able to get their offense going?

Conversely, how good will Alabama be by the time the Third Saturday in October rolls around?  Will they be ranked even higher than they are now?  Will they still have a punishing rushing attack and a suffocating defense?  Many might think they’ll be able to name their score against the Vols, and depending on which Tennessee team shows up, that very well may be the case.  But Tennessee will be starting Jonathan Crompton.

Lane Kiffin and his staff, coming off the “moral” victory over Florida (which is probably better than an “oral” victory), have apparently continued their recruiting blitzkrieg by contacting every single Florida recruit attempting to sway them to join the dark side um, force?

Assuming Kiffin were to be able to sway a few recruits, signing day for Urban Meyer might go something like my dates often go.  I mean, like um, people who aren’t me’s dates often go.  Allow me to paint the picture, not with a paintbrush, but with my beautiful words:

I arrive at the starbucks…
and sit there…
order myself a drink…
and wait…
all looking hopeful at every new person that walks in…
until like…
a few hours pass…
and I’ve finally given up and then like…
finally someone will come in sort of looking around…
then I get hopeful again…
then she looks up and waves and smiles and I wave and smile too…
then she goes shakes the hand of the dude next to me…
and I’m totally embarrassed…
and leave…
in a huff…
saying that I’ll never go out on a date again…
until the next day…

I don’t want to talk about it.  Neither does Urban Meyer.  Maybe Notre Dame needs a date.  Is she single?

After keeping the offense very vanilla on Saturday afternoon, the Tennessee football team looks forward to the first meaningful game of the season against… Ohio.  Obviously the win against Florida would have been nice momentum to lead into the “real” opponents, but there’s no shame in losing in a game that doesn’t matter.

That was the thought process for my brain anyway.  It’s sort of like when you see something terrible as a kid, and then you block it out completely from your memory.  Or like when you’re dreaming about things, and it feels kind of real, but then weird thoughts keep popping into your head.

I like bowling.

That being said, the game wasn’t really that bad of a beat down, and Urban didn’t even have a chance to call his remaining time outs to rub in the win, because he knew that essentially, they had just squeaked by a team that was 5-7 last year, is breaking in a completely new coaching staff, and came into the game licking their wounds from last week.

I really enjoy eating cereal.  Lucky Charms is my favorite.

The good thing about the Florida Tennessee series is of course, that there will no longer be any circumcisers on the field.  Or, ones that are so open about it anyway.  Maybe Urban will go to Notre Dame after this year and Florida can hire Zook back.

Redheads are either really hot, or really not.  There’s no in between.

Verne asked why several penalties weren’t called against Tennessee.  I mean, c’mon, it’s hapless Tennessee.  If they start flagging for penalties and stuff, it’d be like tripping a retarded kid to get to the front of a line.  It’s just not right.

Whipped cream cheese isn’t as good as regular cream cheese.

We here at Fulmer’s Belly, in order to help fulfill your grandest desires in terms of making tons of money through totally legal sports betting, are here to help you with our awesome insights, and will inform you of the sure thing bets every week.

We missed two weeks already, so hopefully you haven’t already lost all your money.  Assuming that you still have a little money, we’ll try to help you make  huge sacks of money.  And by “you make huge sacks of money” we mean “make your bookie huge sacks of money.”
*Disclaimer: we are not experts at all, and in fact, this is probably the worst advice to follow possible.  also, we do not condone the placing of bets on amateur sports (in locales where such things are illegal), and you know, all that crap*

Fabio Presents – Locks:

Louisiana-Lafayette @ LSU (-26.5)
- LSU, with their new DC John Chavis, will be in a good position to cover the spread as long as Louisiana-Lafayette doesn’t get into any 3rd and long situations at which point, they’ll probably convert.  3rd and Chavis FTW!

Toss Ups:

Duke @ Kansas (-22)
- Why is this a toss up?  Well, basically, because Duke is kind of crazy.  They lost to Richmond during Week 1 (but I mean, they’re Spiders, and everyone is afraid of spiders), but then beat the crap out of Army during Week 2.  Cutcliffe can’t seem to figure out whether he wants to win or not, and well, coaching at a school named after a bowel movement can’t help matters.

Paris Hilton Presents – Craziest Spread:

Rice @ Oklahoma State (-32)
- The Pokes, after being embarrassed last week are looking to make amends by beating up on starch this week.  Am I the only one who thinks Rice’s mascot should be chopsticks?  Or Uncle Ben?  Or a Chinese Restaurant?  Oh, will Ok State cover?  Probably not.

Of course, we haven’t written about the Tennessee – Florida game.

Tennessee @ Florida (-29.5)
- We want to believe that Tennessee can win the game outright.  We want to believe that even if they don’t, you should take the points because they’ll keep it close.  We want to believe that everyone on every sports talk website, tv show, radio show, blog and everyone else is wrong when they say that not only will Tennessee lose, but will lose BAD.  So you know what?  Screw those guys!  Tennessee will win!  (Maybe with the points)  Book it!

So, around say, 3:55pm on Saturday, most Tennessee fans were wondering if the 9 point spread was too low.  Most were wondering by exactly how many points we’d beat hapless UCLA.  And most were wondering how the momentum of the big win against a real opponent was going to help lead us to a possible victory in the Swam… OMG interception!  OMG another one!  ZOMG!  WTF?

Of course, whenever a thought process changes from super duper happiness to AAs (angry acronyms), it’s not really a good sign.  The game was a failure on many fronts.  Of course, the most glaring weakness came from the offense where the bad QB play was only part of the equation.  There was equally bad push from the offensive line, bad communication with the receivers, and even worse dressing by the UCLA pep band (honestly, Hawaiian shirts?  what’s that all about?).

Cut to around 8pm Saturday night and most fans are wondering exactly how many points we’re going to lose by to Florida next week.  Most are wondering when Nick Stephens will get to play.  Most are wondering if the guy on Vol Calls was right about how Lane Kiffin won’t cut it in the league and how he fired a perfectly good DC in John Chavis to hire some guy that he’d never heard of.

But fear not fellow Vol fans.   All is not lost.  Apparently Lane Kiffin has a fall back plan.  Of course, the plan revolves around the fact that he can probably skip town without anybody noticing since there are several people on the sidelines that look enough like him that the ESPN cameras keep cutting to assistant coaches and GAs.  Am I seriously the only one to notice that?

The other fall back plan might revolve around the possibility that we will still beat Florida next week, and you know, everyone getting their parkas ready for hell freezing over.  In fact, we like that idea so much, we’re going to coin that phrase in an homage to Terrell Owens.

So everyone: Get Your Parkas Ready!  Hell’s about to freeze over.  You know, or not.

Well, that was a swift kick to the balls.

Obviously, WKU, UCLA is not. UCLA’s defense, with it’s ability to create pressure the likes of which only colons at Old Country Buffet know about, caused Jon Crompton to um, discharge at a bad rate.

Of course, now the newly converted Crompton fans will be taking the Crompton dolls they made to cheer him on just last week, and turning them into effigies for burning later on this evening at the rock. Be there!

Editor’s Note: This is probably the most terrible Enemy Report ever.  It’s kind of hard to hate a school that has such nice, um, facilities.

The UCLA game is fast approaching, and although some Tennessee fans seem to be writing this game off as a win already, there are a few things that the fans might be overlooking.  In this installment of Enemy Watch, we bring you:

The Bruins of UCLA

The University of California, Los Angeles, located in the City of Los Angeles in the State of California (just in case you couldn’t figure that out, in which case, you’re dumb, but it’s OK because you’re too dumb to know that), is home to the Bruins football team of the Pacific 10 Conference.

Westwood is a great campus home to beautiful buildings, nicely manicured lawns, large bosoms, nice facilities, and renowned academic traditions.  Eagle eyed readers might have noticed something in that list that might not be part of a standard campus recruitment tour (although it should be).

…………um, I’m sorry what?

The weird thing about Westwood is, the cheerleaders are probably about middle of the road in terms of hotness.  Some of the coeds on campus simply put, make my penis cry.  Not to mention,they’re not that prudish about showing it off, as evidenced by the annual UCLA Undie Run, which takes place at the end of finals to celebrate hot girls running around in their underwear.  Or the end of finals.  But I’m pretty sure it’s the underwear thing.  Observe:

Okie dokie, enough about girls that I dream about sleeping with yet will probably never have the chance to (because my supermodel girlfriends don’t like it when I “lower my standards”).

Living out here in Los Angeles has given me a unique insight into the UCLA Bruins.  And by “unique insight” I mean “no unique insight” because honestly, what the Knoxville News Sentinel writes in terms of Tennessee football in a day will almost assuredly be more than the LA Times writes about UCLA football… well, EVAR.

That being said, there are a solid core of about 50,000 fans that pack the Rose Bowl week in and week out.  And by “pack” of course we mean “sort of pack” but due to the fact that when you make the trek out to Pasadena (which is about an hours drive from the UCLA campus), park on the golf course, and walk the 13 miles to the stadium, you’re not really in the mood to cheer that loudly.

The UCLA coaching staff is made up of a who’s who of who’s who aren’t fans of football.  Head coach Rick Neuheisel, perhaps best known for being fired from the Washington head coaching job for… (spins wheel) betting in an NCAA Bracket Pool… (wait really? aren’t there any better choices on the wheel? wait, it’s true?)  Well, that’s pretty messed up.  Moving on.

Norm Chow is the offensive coordinator of the Bruins, former OC of the Tennessee Titans, and former OC of the USC Trojans.  Widely considered to be one of the most preeminent offensive minds (hoping to one day be eminent) and developer of quarterbacks, Chow is most proud of his side business of making specialty pet food (see: Puppy Chow).

With this sort of pedigree with the campus, student body (mmm… and what nice bodies they are) and coaching staffs, UCLA is bound to give the Vols a run for their money.  Hopefully not on the football field, but I mean, did you see those pictures?  Um, I’m going to cut this post short because there’s uh, something in Westwood that requires my attention…