ZOMG… games… start… TOMORROW!
This is the happiest I’ve been since that time I was banging your sister in your bed while you were downstairs painting the garage door. She was good too.
But other than that, this is seriously, the happiest I’ve been in awhile. How good did I feel when I realized the games started tomorrow?
But there’s still business to attend to, and well, here’s the greatest traditions post of all time. Tennessee:
Time for the grand finale…what you’ve all been waiting for…
The Tennessee Volunteers
Gameday in Knoxville is something any SEC fan must experience, much like a visit to the Swamp or a day at LSU’s Death Valley, except way less gay.
The Vols have either held or shared the national title 5 times since the fifties. Much of this can be attributed to the size of the coach’s belly brain.
The mascot for the Volunteers is Smokey, aptley named after the local pro farm baseball team the Knoxville Smokey’s, who are not located in Knoxville but in Pidgeon Forge. This team was named after some mountains which may or may not be nearby (my journalistic integrity prohibits me from publishing that the “Smokey” Mountains are in fact a real national park, much like I can’t tell you that Lincoln was the 16th president or that my wang is really tiny huge. Rumors do no good…I need facts here people…FACTS.) Smokey is most famous for being a dog.
Almost…ALMOST as big as my weiner ego
If you’re lucky enough to actually get a ticket to the game, you will be more than likely sitting in one of three sections of Neyland Stadium:
- The Student Section. This section prohibits you from ever sitting down during the entire game except for possibly half time (this is only if the team is really crappy – how do you know if the team is crappy? It’s if the student section is sitting down at any point during the game). At some point during the game, you will either have alcohol spilled on you by a drunk person or you will be thrown up on by a drunk person. Mind you that alcohol is prohibited in the stadium.
- The Old Person’s Section. This is for all of the season ticket holders. In this section, you will be required to sit down throughout the entire game unless the Vols score a touchdown against a good team (good being defined as any team that the student section stands up through the entire game for). You will be required to discuss your association to the university with the rich alumnus sitting next to you.
- Somewhere In Between the Student Section and the Old Person’s Section. It is here that everyone in front of you will be standing up through the entire game and everyone behind you will be mad at you if you try and stand up, despite the fact that sitting down allows you to only see the backside of the large sweaty man in front of you. You will smell alcohol and vomit from those in front of you while having to rebuke this behavior with those behind you.
The Volunteers are full of traditions, which include the band, the cheerleaders, and the football team. Each team member is required to rub a different part of Fulmer’s belly before each game, and no one is to ever rub the same piece of his belly more than once; this is why Fulmer insisted (up until this latest losing season) to have an ever increasing belly size. He has now lost some surface area in the hopes of starting fresh.
The band is apparently famous and is called the Pride of the Southland. The announcer, before every game, announces how the band will do the super hard “Circle Drill”. If you take a few minutes to actually watch it, it’s just a bunch of people walking in a circle, yet the announcer is really excited about it, telling you how no other school does it. Seriously…how hard is it to follow someone else as you walk in a circle? Didn’t we do this in kindergarten?
There’s more stuff, like running through the Power T and the team walking from the training facility to the stadium and all sorts of stuff, but I don’t feel like writing about all that because I have a ticket to the Cal game tomorrow. That’s how dedicated we are at Fulmer’s Belly – we’ll get a ticket to the game and go watch it. That’s dedication you don’t get from any of those other websites…
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