The Draft is coming up, and there are a few players that are anxiously hoping their dreams of playing professional football come true. There are other players whose dreams will be dashed like a geeky kid who goes to a club for the first time in the hopes of meeting a nice, slightly slutty girl for a fun night out on the town only to come home with an overweight girl with an overdeveloped sense of self-loathing and despair. Um, anyway.

Of course all the players eligible for the draft will say the right things when they’re on various interviews at the combine, or with scouts at their pro days, and especially when they are invited to work out for different teams, but let’s be honest here, it’s not all gravy. Sure, it’s nice to be paid to play a game for a living, get paid to work out, and essentially get paid to get some high quality poon from groupies and cheerleaders, but when it comes down to nuts and bolts, some gigs are better than others.

Say you’re a kid looking to get drafted, exciting right? Now say you’re invited by scouts to come work out for teams at their own facilities. Wow, free transportation, free meals, and now you’re feeling like you have a good chance at getting drafted and you feel that you are one step closer to achieving your lifelong fantasy. Then the plane lands and you realize, you’re in Cleveland.

What now? Do you still try to pretend like this is going to be awesome? Moving to Cleveland for the foreseeable future? How about Buffalo? Minneapolis? Honestly, there’s really not that many really great cities that host professional football teams out there. Sure, New York has a couple of teams, and Boston is supposed to be nice, and I suppose most of the Florida cities are pretty nice, but other than that, if you’re going to be ballin’ with millions of dollars and looking to hook up with hot girls and go partying, Indianapolis doesn’t really do it for most pro athletes (I would assume).

So, you’re finally drafted by Oakland, when it dawns on you that you’re living in a shithole (although it’s likely that no one who actually plays for Oakland lives in Oakland), and maybe you start re-thinking your decision of being so nice during the interviews with shitty teams from shitty towns. If it were me, I’d be pretty nice to any team that’s in a major metropolitan area, or any team that might be moving to say, Los Angeles in the near future (ahem, Vikings and Rams), and to all the other teams, I’d go ahead and take the gamble and tell off team presidents of the Ravens, Bengals, Redskins, Chiefs and the like.

And just in case I haven’t alienated enough people, every other NFL city sucks too. Boom goes the dynamite.