Today we’ll be examining our first team from the SEC East:
the Florida Gators
The Gators are probably the most rivaled (while I’m not sure if that’s a word or if that is the correct usage for it, I’m much too lazy to look it up) school in the SEC as nearly every school in the East aren’t satisfied with their year unless they beat Florida.
The mascot of the University of Florida is an alligator. This is a really stupid mascot (although not nearly as bad as an Orangeman) as alligators do nothing but float in the water and get themselves confused with crocodiles. Gainesville is located amid swamps and actually has alligators living in and around the city, but school officials are much too pansy to wrestle one down and make it sit on the sidelines, much like Uga (the least creative mascot name in the NCAA) or Smokey. We here at Fulmer’s Belly offered to do so, but officials were speechless in the mere presence of our awesomeness, so instead we
hooked up with made out with looked at were issued restaining orders by multiple beautiful coeds.
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium is one of the most formidable venues for opposing teams to visit. Steve Spurrier, being unhappy with a gay name like Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, nicknamed it the Swamp, probably the least opposing and most depressing names it could have been given. Most people erroneously assume that Ben Hill Griffin Stadium was named after its benefactor, Ben Hill Griffin Jr., but this is not the case as it would have been called Ben Hill Griffin Jr. Stadium. It is in fact named after famed comedian Benny Hill, the Griffin was later added so the bastards wouldn’t have to pay any royalties to him.
Derrr…I’m the captain!
The most important tradition of the Gators is to get the gayest names possible. After realizing Spurrier had become too strong a name, they hired a Ron Zook, which after much debate was determined to be a stupid name rather than a gay name. A nationwide search led them to Urban Meyer who now is considered by many to have the gayest name in college football.
Each year, the Florida/Georgia game is played in Jacksonville at ALLTell Stadium and is dubbed the World’s
Gayest Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. This is because when both teams meet, such an extraordinary level of suckiness occurs that everyone just decides it’s better to drink than to think about how crappy their team is (being a UT alum, you, the reader may consider me to be a bit biased, but I practice fair journalism and do not let my feelings get involved in my reporting). I really hate Georgia.
Florida also has a band with the gayest name in the NCAA, the Pride of the Sunshine. I assume they play music before and during the game, probably sometimes even after. The probably practice sometime. The crowd does some stupid chomp thing with their arms when the team is performing well. They don’t seem to care that everyone else thinks this looks ridiculous.
Between the 3rd and 4th quarter, fans sing “We are the Boys from Old Florida”, a tribute to UF formerly being an all boys school (the decision to change this being the only non-gay decision in the history of the university).
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