Ah, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. And by “all” of course I mean just me, since I’m the only one who reads this crap. That’s pretty sad that I have to write it first in order to read it, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles (damn you Jim Carey!).
4- Steve Spurrier
You can’t spell incendiary without “Steve Spurrier.” Well, actually you can, but that’s not the point. Although the collective bitch slap down to Earth otherwise known as the NFL mellowed the ‘ole ball coach out a bit, he’s slowly but surely returning to SEC form in terms of speech swagger. Spurrier hasn’t really been known to partake in coach speak, which is basically following in the footsteps of Lou Holtz, although their execution is far different. Spurrier of course, was known for the “Can’t spell Citrus without UT” and the “Free Shoes University” comments which instantly puts him in the top 5. Although during his tenure as the head of the Cocks, he hasn’t really put forth any good zingers, I figure it’s bound to happen sooner or later.
3 – Nick Saban
Now, you might be thinking, “but Saban always seems to say the right things, and always tries to be diplomatic.” Well, you’d be a big donkey’s butthole if you thought that, because as we all know, no words that leave Saban’s mouth are to be trusted in any way, shape or form. This is the man who took a page out of Bill Clinton’s “How to Lie” pre-press release, when confronted about the prospect of leaving the Dolphins for the Bama job. Sure the actual words themselves aren’t necessarily that bad, but due to his past, everyone automatically hears the opposite of whatever words that come out of his mouth. And that being the case, some craziness leaves that smug mouth of his. Welcome back to the SEC there coach.
2 – Ed Orgeron
Where to start? Well, Coach O gets super high rankings if for no other reason that no one can actually understand what the man is saying. I would imagine if we could actually understand the words that are comin’ out of this man’s mouth, they’d probably be pretty insane, mean-spirited, profanity-laced, and just downright scary. I’ve mentioned it before, but I think the main problem is the fact that his mouth size is that of a 10-year old while his face and jaw size is approximately that of a tyrannosaurus rex. He can’t speak intelligibly because he is actually incapable of exiting the words through such a small orifice. It’s rather unfortunate, but freaking hilarious to listen to.
and on to…
1 – Les Miles
Of COURSE you knew Les Miles would win this unbelievable honor. What with his recent rash of not being able to differentiate between his inner monologue and his speech. Miles has been saying whatever comes to mind, in whatever order it comes into his mind, and that by itself makes him the single most entertaining coach to listen to. Miles doesn’t mince his words (well, he does, but you know), and doesn’t mind being the John L. Smith of the SEC. The only thing he’s missing is smacking himself on ESPN. But only time will tell, as I believe the oddsmakers are probably giving that bet an over/under of about one year.
So, there you have it. The definitive SEC Coaching rankings. Without these rankings, one might meander onto a school’s athletic site looking for quotes without guidance, but with this guide, all fans should be able to go straight for the good stuff and watch, as coaches make asses of themselves in a fashion that would make Lindsay Lohan blush.
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