We’re winding down the offseason, and we’d like to take this opportunity to do some ridiculous rankings of the league. We’ll start off with the Eastern Division for no other reason than that I know the names of the Eastern Division quarterbacks. Don’t feel bad if I rank the quarterbacks contrary to what you believe they should be because unlike most other rankings, I won’t rank according to simply ability or skill, but rank according to other awesome factors such as “name coolness,” “scare factor,” and “weird looking faces.”

Here we go:

6: Tim Tebow
(thanks to Kirk for the second image!)

Skillz – This is kind of hard to characterize if for no other reason than the fact that we haven’t really seen Tebow play. All the other quarterbacks on the list have had significant playing time and we’ve had the ability to be able to see how they were able to play in the semi-long term. Tebow is no doubt a good runner, and made some passes last year, but one could argue that perhaps the only reason the passing worked was because everyone in the whole country was looking for him to run the ball. Which takes us to:

Scare Factor - Tebow is scary to alot of defensive coordinators in terms of sheer size and running ability. The other thing that’s scary about Tebow? His family. This is the kid who was big enough not to get picked on anyway, but if he ever did, his ultra religious family would probably come to your house with pitchforks and smite you just to send a message. (Note to the Tebow family: if you’re reading this, I didn’t actually write any of it, it was Urban Meyer… go smite him… in fact, I’ll do it myself, consider him smote).

Weird Looking Face -

5. Blake Mitchell

Skillz – I’m not really sure what to say about Mitchell in this case. He’s had flashes of brilliance during his time with the old ball coach, but then again, he’s been less than stellar at times too. I’m not sure Spurrier is completely sold that Mitchell is his “guy,” as he was sort of left behind by the last administration. It just goes to show you that Spurrier is good at making players play beyond perhaps even their own abilities during their time in college (see: Shane Matthews, Doug Johnson, Rex Grossman).

Scare Factor - Mitchell doesn’t really seem to be the QB that instills fear in any team in the traditional sense of the word. He’s not really going to wow you with his laser arm nor is he going to slip out of a collapsing pocket to burn you for a 75 yard touchdown. But the thing that is scary about Blake is that he has the cold-calculated efficiency of a Steve Spurrier led offense. That, and he just might pull out the newest Carolina play: the Cold Cock to the eye.

Weird Looking Face – Um… YES?!? Sure, you might be thinking that it was unfair that I used what is quite possibly Mr. Mitchell’s mugshot, but give me a break, look at that mug! Also, Mitchell has the dumbest looking facemask of any quarterback in the history of football with an unnecessary extra bar of protection extending below his breast plate. It just looks dumb, but I guess it draws the eye away from the incredible specimen of a face a few inches up.

4. Chris Nickson

Skillz – I’ll admit it. Chris Nickson’s got some skillz. Aside from Tebow’s “running” ability, Nickson is the only true dual threat quarterback of the Eastern division. In 2006, Nickson passed for over 2000 yards with a 54.8% completion percentage while also running 146 times for 694 yards. That’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

Scare Factor - Due to the fact that he can be a threat on his legs coupled together with a good throwing ability, Nickson is the kind of player that could seriously put a scare into an opposing team. Just ask Florida last year, or even better, ask Georgia.

Weird Looking Face – This is seriously the only picture I could find of Nickson, but judging from this pic, I’d have to say that he’s just a regular looking dude. nothing particularly grotesque about him, or super dashingly good looking about him either. If we were to take a poll of how good looking people were, on one end, you’d have Quasimodo, right there in the middle would be Chris Nickson, and on the other end, of course you’d have me. Because I make Brad Pitt blush.

Part 2 coming up.