Joel over at Rocky Top Talk first brought this story to light. DJ Gallo, not associate with wines, and also not associated with jockeying disks of any kind, wrote an article over at ESPN about the lyrics regarding Rocky Top, and has a few questions about the song that was written no doubt, during a drunken binge of moonshine.Anyway, we here at Fulmer’s Belly are nothing if not excited to give totally true completely made up answers to Northerners who don’t quite understand the “ways” of the South. In an almost mind-blowing vortex of satire satire, we will take a shot at answering the burning questions posed by DJ “Jazzy” Gallo in a gripping two part series.

(BTW, in order to make this work, we’re going to have to repost basically the entire article from there to here, but in case we get a nastygram from ESPN, click the link above to the article, and click here for lyrics to the original song along with MIDI Rocky Top terror goodness).

Part One after the jump…

–Legend–
Original Lyrics
(Question(s) raised by DJ “Fresh” Gallo)
**Fulmer’s Belly Response**

Part 1

Wish that I was on ol’ Rocky Top,
Down in the Tennessee hills;
Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top,
Ain’t no telephone bills.

(Wait … what? No telephone bills? Is the cost of phone service a huge problem in Tennessee or something? Can’t your state legislature do something about that for you? And, if not, just cancel your land line and use your cell phone for all of your calls. That’s what I would do.)

**The cost of telephone service actually IS a huge problem in Tennessee. The State Legislature has attempted many times to pass bills, but they found that spelling, as well as standing upright was exceedingly difficult due in part, to being insanely drunk off of moonshine. More on this later. Cell phone towers up in the mountains are also very difficult to keep going because many of the locals tend to hunt them for their blinking lights and metallic-sheen pelts.**

Once I had a girl on Rocky Top,
Half bear, the other half cat;
Wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop,
I still dream about that.

(Again, I’m confused. Honestly. So a dude’s “girlfriend” was apparently some sort of soulless bear-cat hybrid? Yeah, if that was me I’d keep that relationship on the down-low way out in the mountains, too. But I’m different, in that if I had frequent dreams about being intimate with an animal, I sure as heck wouldn’t brag about it in a song.)

**The easy answer here would be: “you try rhyming ‘that’ with something else” but like the famous Avis mantra states: we’ll try harder. Everyone knows that bears move somewhat slowly. This can be attributed not to their enormous size, but instead, due to their general apathy at the world’s troubles. They don’t give enough of a crap to be bothered with worldly issues. On the other half of the coin, everyone knows that cats are feminine animals (even boy cats might as well be girls) that like to preen and make themselves presentable at all hours, because who knows what might happen when? This leads to a pretty nice mix of traits in a sexy lady. One that looks nice, but is natural, and one that cares, but just enough. Oh yeah, and is wild as a mink but sweet as soda pop. Need I say more?**

Bearcats can be hot too.
(Chorus) Rocky Top, you’ll always be
Home sweet home to me;
Good ol’ Rocky Top –
Rocky Top Tennessee, Rocky Top Tennessee.

(OK, I’m with you here. You like Rocky Top. I got it. And the brass build-up to this chorus is why I think this is the best song in sports.)

**Damn skippy**

Part 2 Coming Up…