Oct
2006
This week, there is no college football. What is that you say? Just because Tennessee has a bye week, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other games? Whoa. Well, ok then I guess a preview of some sort would be appropriate. So, without further you know…
Week 7
#2 Florida vs. #11 Auburn
The Gators of Florida travel to the awesome plain, uh, plains of Auburn. In the clash of the blue and orange schools where the crowd will all be wearing roughly the same color scheme, the Gators and the Tigers will clash for SEC supremacy, or at least for the Orange and Blue trophy. The trophy is actually the bastard child of the University of Tennessee and the University of Kentucky and basically looks like a 3-armed cyclops.
Generally for a preview, one would see something along the lines of analysis of offensive units vs. defensive units, stats, and other boring stuff like that. We here at Fulmer’s Belly always try to do less work by not having to look up crap like that keep things fresh by offering up new and fresh content, so, this week, we’ll bring you the results of what would happen if an actual gator and actual tiger were to spar. Let’s get it on!
From the wiki:
The name alligator is an anglicized form of the Spanish el lagarto (”the lizard”), the name by which early Spanish explorers and settlers in Florida called the alligator.
Ok, well, first off, the name is derived from Spanish, so Florida was really a progressive school knowing that some day in the future, the former owners of the land would come back in droves to try to reclaim it one McDonald’s job at a time.
As it turns out, Alligators like to eat anything that is stupid enough to fly, walk, or swim into it’s mouth. If you want to give in and be eaten by a Gator fan, you must first, locate one, wait until they start doing the super stupid super intimidating kinda stupid “gator chomp,” then place your head between their hands. Not quite the suave hunters they seem to be.
From the wiki:
Tigers (Panthera tigris) are mammals of the Felidae family and one of four “big cats” in the Panthera genus. They are superpredators and the largest and most powerful living cat species in the world.
This wiki article gives tigers a verbal reacharound with whoever wrote the article being written by some dude with his hand down his pants. “They are superpredators and they can come attack my bunghole whenever they want” is what the author actually meant. And by author, I mean me.
Ok, well, male tigers are generally very territorial, often spraying trees with urine or leaving trails of poo to warn other tigers that they like to poo on the ground. This tactic I believe, should be adopted by the tiger football team of Auburn as a way to well, win every game. I mean, what would the other team do if you were spraying the other team with your scent, and well, pooping all over the field? You’d probably try to stay away is what you’d probably do, so this would be particuarly helpful for the offensive players.
Tigers also generally eat all kinds of animals that are well, pussies. They actually catch their prey and then tear it up, eating the body whilst making the slain animal watch their bodies be eaten bite by bite. Pretty impressive if you ask me.
I was ready after that preview to give the nod to Auburn, but after seeing the Tigers get mauled by a group of pigs, well, I’m not sure, but I’ll give it to Auburn anyway.
Enjoy.
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What about war eagles, and plainsmen?