Ok, now it’s week 5? Ok, cool.Another name for this week, well, let’s see, since Craptacular Saturday has already been used, so, Shitacular Saturday is going to have to be it. With another week of a bunch of crappy games on tap, we look forward to the not that exciting game of the week. I’ll just say this before I continue: the best games of the weekend have already passed. The Auburn vs. South Carolina game was exciting to the last play, and the Rutgers vs. South Florida game actually did not disappoint like the Friday night games usually do.

Without further ado:

Week 5

#1 Ohio State vs. #13 Iowa

Okie dokie. Well, Ohio State comes into the game with an impressive record of, well, something – 0. I don’t really feel like looking it up, but I’m sure it’s something in the neighborhood of 4-0.

Iowa, comes into the game after some games that I didn’t watch, and well, are apparently ranked #13.

Mascots

First off, the Ohio State mascot is well, a nut. Or I guess more accurately, nuts. That’s pretty impressive when you can yell out comments like “you think you’ve got balls? we are the nuts!” This comes in particularly handy when one is playing a game of poker. In fact, from now on, I’m going to immediately fold to anyone wearing an Ohio State cap or any other Ohio State paraphanelia. Well, that, and the fact that alot of people who wear Ohio State clothing are library masturbaters.

That’s a big nut.

In fact, they’re mascot, Brutus the Buckeye, has a head made out of a nut. His head, is a huge nut. Damn, and we’re not talking about chinnuts either. Actually, perhaps that’s where they got it. We may never know.

I’ve got THREE nuts damnit… THREE

Iowa, well, they’re the Hawkeyes. They’re not even a hawk, they’re the Hawkeyes. I mean, if you’re the president of a newly formed school, and it’s your job to choose a mascot, well, would you choose an eyeball? Ok, well if you said yes, you’re a gaytard.

As it turns out, the mascot came from the nickname of the state, which came from a couple of dudes wanting to talk about how awesome the Black Hawk War was, and well, no doubt wanted to mention the dreamy eyes of Black Hawk, leading to the inevitable bungling of naming an entire state’s worth of people, forever cursing them and their families for generations to come.

The mascot’s just the EYE, just the EYE!

Alumni

Well, Iowa hasn’t exactly been the model of the modern celebrity generator, but BJ Armstrong, former observer teammate of Michael Jordan was a Hawkeye, so I can’t really say anything. I mean, his name is BJ. That by itself could almost make for a fair fight against the Ohio State balls Nuts.

Shit, where’s Mike? Damnit, I don’t know what to do…

In keeping with the innuendo theme, one of the more notable alumni of Ohio State is professional poker player and World Poker Tour announcer Mike Sexton. Mike, is best known for having perhaps an excitement level that is about 9 levels too high to be a poker sportscaster. My guess is that Mr. Sexton wanted at some point to be a wrestling announcer, but had to make do with (pun intended) the hand he was dealt.

Oh my! It’s a full house off the top rope! And Brunsen’s got him in a headlock!

I mean, at this point, what else is there to say, except that everyone in the country outside of the state of Ohio is rooting for OSU to lose. Iowa has a chance to make that happen, with them beating OSU last year and all, but it’ll be difficult with the likes of Brent Musburger making the call, wooing everyone in the stadium to sleep.

I think it’s going to be close, but the Ohio State fans will creep the Iowa players just enough for OSU to come through with the win. Enjoy Shittacular Saturday.