Redshirt Sophomore Daniel Evans is a hero. Why is he a hero you ask? (You didn’t? Oh yes you did!) Did he save a kid from a burning building? Did he lift a car off of an old lady? Did he bang two chicks at once? Well, that last one might be coming true pretty soon.

No, he did none of those things. Instead, he gave someone hope. Someone who was trying to hold on to what little pride and self-worth he had left, who was inches away from falling into the chasm known as depression. Someone who at the conclusion of a football game on saturday, had it not been for Daniel Evans, would have probably stuck a shotgun in his mouth. That someone is none other than Chuck Amato.

Why is my voice so raspy? Doi~ Iono.

Chuck, first off, how old are you? Would it be that hard to just go by “Charlie” or whatever your name is? Also, what’s up with the shades? I mean, you kind of look like the kid in school who was always 2 years behind the fashions. I’m not even talking about the nerds, because there was always a nerd chic (um, not that I was one of those kids… nooooo), but that one kid who thinks he’s in the cool crowd, who well, isn’t.

Secondly, what’s up with the voice man? I’ve heard people on voice boxes that are easier to understand than you. I mean, it sounds like you took Ron Zook’s voice, and then made it even more feminine and raspy. It’s like a sorostitute’s voice after a night of going to 10 straight orgies mixers.

Anyway, I poke fun because I know Chuck took that shotgun out of his mouth after the game over the weekend. The reason? You guessed it: Daniel Evans. Evans throws a hail mary pass to the end zone, and it was caught by John Dunlap, to give the Wolfpack a win and Chuck Amato a week’s stay of execution. I mean, after the game, during the interview, he was crying. There’s no crying in football. Unless the ball comes flying at you, and nails you in the balls. Even then, only one tear is allowed.

Next time I hear of a head coach crying after winning a game, I’ll kick him in the balls myself. Then feed him to Coach Fulmer. That’ll teach him.