Hi. I’m Fulmersbelly.com guest columnist John McCain. I’ve been spending most of my time campaigning for president, but I wanted to offer the Tennessee team a few pointers on their upcoming game. As many of you know, I’m facing a juggernaut of my own in just under two weeks, and since I have some experience in the matter and because I need to prove to people that I am “in touch”, I’m giving you the road plan to defeating (O)Bama.
Eeeee…Got any gum?
1. First off, what were you thinking? You need to pick a number 2 with some meaningful amount of experience. Head coach at Richmond? What’s the matter, did Plan A of cloning Cutcliffe not pan out? What happens if something happens to the big guy? You’ll have a small fish trying to play ball in a big pond.
2. Give up on offense altogether. 1st and 10? Punt. Let (O)bama trust the ball to Ken Stabler. Eventually, his pass will be intercepted by Eric Berry and returned for a touchdown. Then, just wash, rinse…hold on…Ken Stabler’s no longer with the Tide? Retired from the NFL? Who’s the QB now? Who? John Parker Wilson? Kinda sounds like the name of a pedophile, doesn’t it? “John Parker Wilson, 20, arrested for exposing himself to a group of 9 year old boys in the cafeteria of Oak Park Elementary today.”
3. Liberally throw around words like “Al Qaeda”. Think about it. “Al Qaeda”. “Al – abama”. They’re practically the same place. Huh? Al Qaeda isn’t a place? Is it that guy we’re fighting in Iran?
4. Use half truths or put things out of context to demoralize the other team. See the final sentence in bullet 2 above? Spread that around, and let’s see how well a guy facing charges of pedophilia does on the gridiron. I guarantee you, no one’s going to go near his (foot)balls.
Stick to that gameplan, and you’ll have a fighting chance.
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