As the season moves on, it’s becoming more and more clear that it should be less a discussion of whether Fulmer will retain his job, but rather who is going to replace him. While it’s devastating for this blog’s name, we of course are only interested in what’s best for the team. Also, we need to get a jump on the other schools which are going to be in the hunt for a high profile coach to turn their team around. As such, we’ve decided to compile a shortlist of our top choices for Fulmer’s successor, you know, to help out Mike Hamilton. Cuz he reads this blog. Everyday.
5. Tommy Bowden
Because why not follow up one coach that couldn’t meet lofty expectations with another? We’ll spend another few years on the cusp of greatness, starting every season with lots of hope and ending with even more tears. With his recent departure at Clemson, he’ll be hard pressed to find any top tier Division 1 school stupid smart enough to offer him the reigns to their program, so the bonus is that we’ll get him on the cheap!
4. Will Muschamp
The defensive guru at Texas has overseen some of the most potent defenses we’ve seen in college football. He’s fiery and motivated, something we don’t see all that often from the current coach. He’s also going to be on everyone’s shortlist come January, and perhaps we can convince him to come to the real UT and wear a more respectable color of orange.
3. Joe Paterno
The guy’s like 94 years old, but he currently has arguably the best team in the country. And it would barely cost us anything! Penn State pays him the federal minimum wage to supplement his social security checks each month. I say we offer him $12/hr and a 30% off coupon to the early bird special at Ryan’s every day.
2. Lane Kiffin
Is there any college team that won’t call this guy? There is some concern that he won’t be able to recruit the south as well, but we should also see a huge pickup of recruits out of California. And just because the guy has only played out west, that’s supposed to mean that he can’t pick up players in the south? I don’t buy it. He’s an up and coming coach, and it’s probable that the NFL just isn’t his game. The only downside will be if he sees significant success, we’ll have to sweat out every NFL team that comes-a-callin’.
1. Don and Jon
Approximately what we look like in real life
Because two minds are better than one! We don’t necessarily have a long list of credentials (i.e. none), but what we lack in experience, we make up for in all the hot models and actresses we bang. Plus, we’d work nearly for free. In addition to the $12/hr, we’ll forego the Ryan’s coupons in exchange for room and board in the female dorm of our choice. And that’s not for perverse reasons, either. It’s just that we’ll be working so hard on getting the football team back to awesome status, we won’t have time to pursue all of our usual actresses and models. It’ll ease our minds to have young coeds close by, and it’ll give us more time to focus on the team.
Plus, apparently they have a lower tolerence to alcohol. Woot!
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