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OK, so I couldn’t really think of something super clever to make a sign out of… although I do have one idea that uses an ESPN acronym which will probably be more likely to make it on the air…
But, I came up with one on the fly, which after I put it together, I think looks freaking hilarious…
Tell me what you think… and if you like it… I’ll take it and look for it on ESPN.
No? C’mon.. that’s hilarious. You suck.
Gerald Williams has been cleared by the SEC, now that Mike Slive is done fellating himself over signing the 15 year deal with ESPN. This is good news for the Vols since he’s a football player, and the Vols are a football team. It’s almost as if fate… doth stepped in and made a fateful decision.
Congrats to Gerald, now go out and play and stuff. Oh yeah, and don’t suck.
But in all honestly, WIlliams has been trying for about 13 years to play for the Vols, and now his dream has finally come true. Welcome to the family, and check your ego at the door.
It’s that time of month again, where the reserves of ice cream and kleenex in the house are dwindled to dangerously low levels. Oh, it’s not that time of month? It’s roundtable time of the week? Oh. That’s better (barely). Here we go again, this week hosted by Loser With Socks. And, off we go.
1. In a perfect world, what time would your UCLA Kick-off start?
First off, I’m not exactly sure what I would need with my UCLA necessarily (except for the seemingly endless supply of hot chicks), or why I would need to kick it off, but I digress. A Perfect world? The game would start right now. Why? Because I want to watch it right now. And it would keep going until next week’s game, which would also start at my whim and fancy. While we’re at it, I’d like to be fed grapes by toga-wearing cheerleaders (from both squads, because say what you will about UCLA, they have some fine ass cheerleaders).
Man, this perfect world thing is great. Can I also get Marisa Miller to come by my luxury suite to give me a back rub?
No no, the back rub was for ME, get to it woman!
But honestly, living in California, I think the timing of the game is pretty much just about right. It’s on a holiday, so that the traffic should only be “terrible” (upgraded from “worst traffic ever”), and the 5pm start is nice because East Coasters can watch it comfortably in prime time, and I get to go to the Rose Bowl and park on the golf course before it gets dark. I’m not sure how the driving out of there is going to go though.
2. Sometimes doing the right thing is tough. Sometimes we have to choose between bad and worse. I have known snipers that get bothered even though what they did was absolutely right. It seems being a coach would have some similar circumstances. Did you think that Coach Fulmer and staff ever lose any sleep over their choices?
Let’s be honest here. Losing sleep is probably nothing to the coach. Let’s just make sure he’s not making any decisions to lose his appetite. Then we’ve got to worry. If the Papa weren’t able to eat food, everyone better go ahead and dust off that Y2K bunker, because some bad juju majumbo’s about to go down. I mean, I suppose as long as the coaches aren’t themselves ordering anyone to be sniped, I don’t see what they would lose any sleep over. And anyway, can we really compare the stress of a sniper to that of a guy that tells other people how to play a game? I’m pretty sure it’s not related.
3. Nick Saban is going to start 10 freshman against Clemson. Why is he doing this and did he just buy another year of grace from the Red Elephant Club?
Nick Saban is the guy with the good hair right? I don’t know whether he’s being strategic or not, but I think it might be his own way of screwing over Mike Shula one last time by not playing any of his players. Because if there’s one thing we know about Nick Saban, he likes bending people over. Enjoy your coach Bama!
4. Critique Lou Holtz as a ESPN “analyst”. Irish and Cock Homer or scripted live rassler?
It’s actually funny that he just doesn’t care anymore. He’s got the contract, and he’s already in the studio, and there’s no Trev Alberts to kick around, so Lou Holtz has now completely embraced his homerism. Calling South Carolina the “best defense in the league” and stating that Notre Dame will win 10+ games this season? Classic. In fact, I’m glad that he isn’t picking my team to win, because the Holtz spittle curse is way worse than the Madden or SI curses.
ZOMG… games… start… TOMORROW!
This is the happiest I’ve been since that time I was banging your sister in your bed while you were downstairs painting the garage door. She was good too.
But other than that, this is seriously, the happiest I’ve been in awhile. How good did I feel when I realized the games started tomorrow?
But there’s still business to attend to, and well, here’s the greatest traditions post of all time. Tennessee:
Time for the grand finale…what you’ve all been waiting for…
The Tennessee Volunteers
Gameday in Knoxville is something any SEC fan must experience, much like a visit to the Swamp or a day at LSU’s Death Valley, except way less gay.
The Vols have either held or shared the national title 5 times since the fifties. Much of this can be attributed to the size of the coach’s belly brain.
MascotsThe mascot for the Volunteers is Smokey, aptley named after the local pro farm baseball team the Knoxville Smokey’s, who are not located in Knoxville but in Pidgeon Forge. This team was named after some mountains which may or may not be nearby (my journalistic integrity prohibits me from publishing that the “Smokey” Mountains are in fact a real national park, much like I can’t tell you that Lincoln was the 16th president or that my wang is really tiny huge. Rumors do no good…I need facts here people…FACTS.) Smokey is most famous for being a dog.
Stadium
Almost…ALMOST as big as my weiner egoIf you’re lucky enough to actually get a ticket to the game, you will be more than likely sitting in one of three sections of Neyland Stadium:
- The Student Section. This section prohibits you from ever sitting down during the entire game except for possibly half time (this is only if the team is really crappy – how do you know if the team is crappy? It’s if the student section is sitting down at any point during the game). At some point during the game, you will either have alcohol spilled on you by a drunk person or you will be thrown up on by a drunk person. Mind you that alcohol is prohibited in the stadium.
- The Old Person’s Section. This is for all of the season ticket holders. In this section, you will be required to sit down throughout the entire game unless the Vols score a touchdown against a good team (good being defined as any team that the student section stands up through the entire game for). You will be required to discuss your association to the university with the rich alumnus sitting next to you.
- Somewhere In Between the Student Section and the Old Person’s Section. It is here that everyone in front of you will be standing up through the entire game and everyone behind you will be mad at you if you try and stand up, despite the fact that sitting down allows you to only see the backside of the large sweaty man in front of you. You will smell alcohol and vomit from those in front of you while having to rebuke this behavior with those behind you.
Traditions
The Volunteers are full of traditions, which include the band, the cheerleaders, and the football team. Each team member is required to rub a different part of Fulmer’s belly before each game, and no one is to ever rub the same piece of his belly more than once; this is why Fulmer insisted (up until this latest losing season) to have an ever increasing belly size. He has now lost some surface area in the hopes of starting fresh.
The band is apparently famous and is called the Pride of the Southland. The announcer, before every game, announces how the band will do the super hard “Circle Drill”. If you take a few minutes to actually watch it, it’s just a bunch of people walking in a circle, yet the announcer is really excited about it, telling you how no other school does it. Seriously…how hard is it to follow someone else as you walk in a circle? Didn’t we do this in kindergarten?
There’s more stuff, like running through the Power T and the team walking from the training facility to the stadium and all sorts of stuff, but I don’t feel like writing about all that because I have a ticket to the Cal game tomorrow. That’s how dedicated we are at Fulmer’s Belly – we’ll get a ticket to the game and go watch it. That’s dedication you don’t get from any of those other websites…
So, we’re seriously, very close. To the last installment of Super Happy Classic Post Fun Time of course! What’d you think we were talking about?
Well, I guess the football season is nearing as well, but that being said, what’s the first thing you think of when you think football? Vanderbilt!
In our penultimate installment of the series, we bring you the greatest football intramural team to ever take the field against a multi-million dollar corporate conference.
In our continuing quest to kill time before the son-of-a-bitch offseason dies a horrible, bloody death football season starts, we delve into one of the more enigmatic teams in the SEC. If you don’t know what enigmatic means, chances are you didn’t go there. Next up, we take a look at:
the Vanderbilt Commodores
Mascots
Most people are under the impression that the Vanderbilt Commodores were named after some famous seaman (hehehe, seaman), but that is not the case. They were in fact, fittingly named after the underappreciated, underperforming, but still smarter than you can ever hope to be, Commodore 64.
Still smarter than you or I will ever be.
If you look closely, the color scheme is evident. The off-white casing, with the black accents. The mascot origin has been relatively obscured due to the fact that although Vandy students are super smart, they lacked the sewing knowledge to be able to craft a uniform in the shape of a computer with a separate floppy drive.
Stadium
Interestingly enough, I couldn’t find a picture of Vanderbilt’s Stadium. Seeing as how no one has actually been to the stadium, it is still up for debate whether or not a stadium exists.
I realize that people at some point might point out that there have been games played there, but were they really? I mean, was the moon landing really on the moon? There really haven’t been enough substantiated claims of a stadium existing at Vanderbilt (unless you call the math lab a stadium), that we here at Fulmer’s Belly are willing to declare that it doesn’t actually exist.
Traditions
Well. Traditions. Vanderbilt. Hmm, this is a tough one. Well, I think it’s well documented that Vandy has a tradition of losing. Does that count? I’m really at a loss for words here.
They have that… wait, no, that’s someone else. Ooh, they play rocky to.. wait, no, that’s the other Tennessee university. Actually, the playing of Rocky Top is somewhat of a tradition at Vandy along with the constant playing of any team’s fight song that plays at Vandy.
Wow, so this is really hard. I think all Vandy can really do is make fun of other schools for not being as smart as them, but no one but them really cares about that. Bah, forget it, this is too hard.
Our week of hosting the Roundtable has come to a close, which means it’s time to sum it up and be done with it! And while we picked a winner for this week’s Roundtable, we also have a loser. It’s Moondog, and not for nominating us to leave the blog-o-sphere, we’re not that superficial. It’s because he runs a Tennessee blog using UGA colors.
Traitor. Spy.
Okay, so maybe we are that superficial and it’s for the nomination.
The winner this week is Joel from Rocky Top Talk. His blog tied this one for awesomest answers, but he wins the tiebreaker for nicknaming us jondon, making us the new J. Lo or Brangelina of the blog-o-sphere. Feel free to make a little graphic to display on your site, Joel; “Winner of Roundtable, Week 7″.
Let’s see what people had to say.
1. Knock on wood before answering this question, but let’s assume that Jonathan Crompton goes out with a season ending injury in the 1st half of the first game of the season. Should we just pack it up and wait until next season, or is there a glimmer of hope in any of the young backups?
Your Mom Had Relations with Wilt Chamberlain said:
There is always a glimmer of hope! BJ Coleman and Nick Stephens are the back ups and people say they aren’t looking good. However I have it on good word that Coleman is so deathly afraid of the Mountain Messiah Crompton that he is mucking it up on purpose in practice.
The Mountain Messiah can throw the ball the distance of five football fields. Coleman can do that same except while laying on his stomach. Coleman is ironically the Mountain Messiah’s kryptonite, much like Crompton was Ainge’s kryptonite.
Colemanites assemble and start fighting for what is yours. Why wait till Crompton goes down? Carpe diem! Carpe diem!
If all else fails we have Eric Berry. He can do anything he wants to do except coach of course
and Moondog, who knows we love him and that we like to kid offers this insight:
With so many questioning the Vols ability to win games this season with Crompton under center, a season-ending injury – on the surface – would appear disastrous. But Tennessee has some advantages this season that would allow for such an injury.
All of us know Nick Stephens and B.J. Coleman have talent, but they lack experience. Our offense will be different this season with Dave Clawson calling the shots. He’ll be smart enough to pull either Stephens and Coleman aside and tell them they don’t have to be the second coming of Peyton.
We’re going to hand the ball to one of our three very talented running backs who will rip through defenses behind our big, strong and veteran offensive line. We’re going to mix in some play-action, a few screens, a swing pass here and there and the next thing you’ll know, the band will be playing “Down the Field” as we celebrate six points.
All a young QB will need to do is manage the game and limit mistakes. There’s more than enough talent on the offensive side of the ball for us to absorb a serious injury to Crompton.
2. Does Erik Ainge have a future in the NFL?
Loser with Socks offers this along with his Crompton conspiracy theories (which we whole heartedly buy into):
Universally viewed in Big Orange Country as ”the” cock-block to the Ruff n Tuff QB, Ainge temporarily silenced the critics with a stellar 67% completion rate and a trip to the SEC CG. Sadly, Ainge will fade into Tennessee obscurity as the west coast kid holding back the chosen one. Ainge wasn’t a Smokey Mountain Boy that bled orange. To his credit, he survived some Tonya Harding-like beatdowns when he had his pinky, knee and shoulders “injured”. I am not accusing the Cromptonites, just saying that the timing was pretty weird.
I hope that he makes it in the NFL. I would love to see him serve a nice piping hot cup of STFU to the raucous Cromptonite Nation. I have figured out that most Cromptonites are not very good judges of football talent.
And Southeastern Sports blog says:
I thought he was in one of the best possible situations in New York before Favre showed up, but since he hasn’t gotten a snap in a preseason game yet and Eric Mangini has made fun of his throws, clearly I was wrong.Ainge performed well under David Cutcliffe’s system, and so the question for me was always how well that would translate in a faster NFL game without Cutcliffe there beside him. But if Ainge isn’t even getting a chance to compete, then I too see clipboards and pristine green and white jerseys in his immediate future.
Thomas from over @ YMSWWC and I are great minds because we thought alike. I knew this one pretty quick: from a game I still have never watched (I have my reasons), it’s Travis Stephens in Gainesville 2001.
That was probably Tennessee’s greatest win since 1998, as the underdog in Steve Spurrier’s last home game in the Swamp. He had 226 yards and Florida could not tackle the guy. That’s gotta be such a great feeling – knowing you can’t be stopped.
And Gate21 just gave us a list:
This is a tough one. There are so many great choices which would be on my short-list. Here are a few (in no particular order)
These are but a few — this one is just too tough to call.
5. Which is your favorite rivalry and why? (Not necessarily limited to Tennessee teams)
Joel from RTT offers this:
Tennessee-Florida. My favorite is the one I enjoy winning the most, which is in inverse proportion to the one we lose most often. Florida just always seems to be in the way. They’re a nasty bunch, and beating them is best.
and 3rd Saturday in Blogtober says:
I wish I didn’t get so worked up about it, but I just love the Tennessee-Alabama rivalry. Though I hate Alabama fans, my entire family of in-laws (whom I love) are Bammers, my wife is a Bammer, I live in Bammer, and as much as I hate living life when we lose, it’s 10 times sweeter when we win that game. Also, as much as I hate Alabama fans, I respect what the Crimson Tide has done over the years. When you beat Bama — and we’ve done it an awful lot in recent years — it means something.
Plus, like Fulmer’s Belly said, I expect to beat Alabama and I don’t expect to beat Florida. And I like to win.
But last year when the Tennessee-Alabama game was on Lincoln Financial, I found myself angry that such a huge game could be buried on such a crappy feed with such crappy announcers. Mike Slive ought to be shot in the head for not having us an HD network.
Bonus: Who will win the national title this year? And by how many points will Tennessee win? (See what we did there?)
I’m not sure how, but half of you messed up the bonus questions. I feel like Will Farrell playing Alex Trebek in Celebrity Jeopardy. Some of you managed to not pick Tennessee (I’m looking your way, Joel and 3SiB), and still others didn’t even answer (MOONDOG??? LWS???).
Thanks to everyone for participating, and best of luck to the guy that hosts next week, although you won’t do as great a job as the now legendary week 7.
So, fulmer’s belly will have a small contingent attending the UT vs. UCLA game in Pasadena. Our tickets came in, and apparently someone thought it would be funny to give us front row seats. That being said, it should be an exciting opportunity to not be able to see half the game get on TV if we’re holding some sort of clever sign.
So, we ask of you, awesome readers of Fulmer’s Belly, help us come up with a cool sign idea. If we like it, we’ll use it, and try to get it on National Television.
It needs to be something that’s clever, funny, yet still G or PG rated as if it’s too “out there” it will probably not be shown. It can be in the traditional “acronym style” with the “ESPN” on it, or could be “SEC” or could be even just any random kind of sign.
Post your ideas in the comments!
