ESPN.com wrote a story regarding Michigan State’s new uniforms for the upcoming season for their football team. Noticeably absent from the article? A freaking picture of the new unis. I mean, if you’re going to go through the trouble of writing an article about new uniforms, it seems only fair that you’d post a picture of said changes.

I blame mostly the old crusty writers who still think they’re writing for a black and white newspaper that doesn’t have the ability to print pictures, and thus the entire article must be devoted to a description of something that could be summed up by posting a single picture.

This was the case when Oregon unveiled their new uniforms a couple of years back, where no amount of verbiage could ever describe the vomit/coma inducing sight that was to be the new uniforms.

Luckily, we here at fulmer’s belly enjoy making crappy writers look worse by rewriting their article. Observe:

Michigan State Unveils New Unis

Check it out:

and

Crappy Huh? Enjoy, because I’m going to eat more doughnuts and pretend like I’m working.

See how easy that was? I should work for ESPN.com and I would be the best writer EVAR.

Nick Saban, not having coached a single game as the Alabama Head Coach is already picking up where his predecessors (not including Mike Shula, who actually was a pretty upstanding citizen) left off by violating NCAA rules.

According to reports, Saban contacted recruits and violated NCAA rules by exceeding “exchange of greetings” with said recruits by apparently talking about more than well, his name and the name of the recruit.

Now, I’m not usually one to stick up for Bama, let alone a Nick-Saban led Bama, but the NCAA is absolutely losing their minds.  I mean, I’m all for rules and everything, but it gets to the point where it seems that SOME concessions need to be made.  If the NCAA bans something, schools will find ways around it.  It’s always been like that, and I imagine it always will.

Restricting how many words a coach can say to a potential recruit is just crazy talk.  But, coming from the organization that wouldn’t let people have fundraisers to send underprivileged parents of student-athletes to watch their kids play in bowl games.  Oh yeah, and the NCAA rules committee kills kittens too.  Why do you hate kittens NCAA rules committee?  And why does the word committee have so many unnecessary letters in it?  Let’s change that ruling: NCAA Rules Comite.  Yeah.

Okay, so there has been talk around the blogosphere about possible conference realignment and how it would be interesting.  Most notably, T. Kyle King over at Dawg Sports has actually come up with very feasible and realistic looking scenarios for conference realignment, and it’s worth a read.

I have a different proposal.  Well, Kyle might have already mentioned the idea that I’m about to propose, but I didn’t read through the entire series, so I’m gonna play the dumb card here.  Anyway, the SEC is thought of as being one of the better conferences in the country (I don’t want to start a flame war), but there has been some grumbling for well, as long as the conference has been around that the bottom teams are really, really, really, really bad.  *cough* Mississippi State *cough*  So, what’s the solution?  An exchange program.

Conference USA, the rejected ugly girl of the conference circuit, feeling disrespect at the rest of the school, thinking that if only given a chance, they could show how much fun they could be (even in bed), has been trying to be taken seriously for years now.

Like an inner-city kid going to an exchange program within his own city yet worlds apart, I propose the C*USA/SEC exchange.

The conference champion of the Conference USA wins their way into the SEC, and the last place team in the SEC must go down to the C*USA the next year.  Sure, it could work out that the same two teams would simply switch places every season, but it could also serve to let a team that is too good for their own conference to be rewarded for being good.

Under my scenario, Houston, would now be in the SEC for at least a season, and Mississippi State would be relegated to playing in Conference USA, where they might come in last again, and have to play against Junior Varsity teams in Mississippi.  We could see teams like Southern Miss, Marshall, UAB, Memphis have their chances in the SEC, while Mississippi State would basically move permanently to C*USA along with the likes of Ole Miss and Vandy making occasional appearances.

It would be a great windfall for the Conference USA schools, and it would be a wake up call to crappy teams that are just dragging around.  It would raise the overall level of competition in the SEC as well, and would create new matchups that could be interesting enough to warrant more national coverage.  Anyway, that’s my idea, and it’s awesome, so tell me how awesome you think it is.

Peta, the people for the something something of something, have decided to bring their insanity quest fight to LSU, who is looking to obtain a new tiger for getting rid of unruly students their mascot.  LSU has decided basically to tell Peta to die in a fire.  The best part of the article?  The actual headline:

LSU Likely to Ignore PETA, Obtain New Tiger Mascot

Say what you will about LSU, and them sucking because they beat us at home last year, but you’ve gotta love the straight up bravado of the school for dismissing Peta like the nuisance that it is.  Living in California, I’ve become somewhat immune to the plights of insane interest groups, but at the same time, thought maybe their tactics worked in other parts of the country.  The tactics might work, but apparently not in states that still operate under the Napoleonic Code.  Take THAT losers!

In fact, the most difficult part of obtaining a new tiger isn’t going to be anything to do with dealing with animal rights groups, but rather trying to find a purple and yellow tiger.  The jungles of the Staples Center have recently been ravaged due to poaching, and the purple and yellow tiger population has been completely decimated.  That being said, I’m sure one will be available on the black market, so I say to you LSU: keep up the good fight, and don’t let anyone get in your way.

There’s no news, and it’s sad.  And well, there’s no sports on, except NFL Europa, but that too, will be over in 6 weeks or so, at which point I’ll be really really sad.

What does everyone else do to get through the offseason?  Best reply gets a feature on FB.com

Continuing on with our bashing of the coaches’ wives of the SEC, we take a look at the Western Division:

Suzanne Tuberville (Auburn)

Okay, so this is a cropped pic from when the Tubervilles were meeting with some councilmen or something, but from what I can see, alls I can say is, “way to go Tubs!”  I mean, even though she looks younger in this picture than pictures from like 10 years ago (that’s money well spent btw), Suzanne could very well qualify as a “trophy wife.”  Well, at least there’s one trophy on your mantle.

Terry Saban (Bama)

Okay, so this is one of the pictures where I’m not completely certain that it’s the coach’s wife, but as far as I can tell, she is.  Theoretically, this is back when they were making residence in Baton Rouge seeing as how there’s a tiger in the background (wrong colors, but that’s the Saban’s for ya), and it seems nice that Terry was able to get into her tiger costume for the pic.  Oh, that’s not a costume?  Oops.

Diana Nutt (Arkansas)

Expecting some Nutt jokes?  Well, of course I’m more than happy to oblige.  Look at that Nutty Picture with all those Nutts around that plane.  Diana just loves the Nutt.  All those kids, from that Nutt’s nuts.  Is that enough?  I got nothin’.

Kathy Miles (LSU)

So, I’m gonna take a guess here and say that the lady with the Screech haircut is Kathy Miles.  The haircut serves a dual purpose: first, it’s easier to manage, and second, it’s easy to make fun of.  I mean, together with Les’ less than oratorical speaking style combined with his wife’s love for Saved by the Bell, and you’ve got yourself one heck of a family.  The kids are thrilled at their inherited genetics, just look.

Jeri Croom (Mississippi State)

I couldn’t find a picture of Jeri Croom, wife of Sylvester Croom, which leads me to believe that she doesn’t actually exist.  If she does in fact exist however, I would probably be saying something along the lines of how she looks ridiculous in that red blazer coupled together with the purple pants and the lime green pumps, but she doesn’t actually exist, so we’ll just have to pretend like there was a great picture of a fictional woman wearing that exact outfit.

Kelly Orgeron (Ole Miss)

Who would have thought, in order to score a hot wife, all you have to do is speak unintelligibly.  I mean, who knows, maybe Ed didn’t actually propose or anything, or even wanted to date her, but she had no freaking clue what he was saying, and just agreed to it anyway.  Mrs. Orgeron is quite the looker in her Swiss National Softball team outfit, so maybe she’s just confused all around.

So, to all the coaches in the SEC: um, good jobs… sort of… Some of you have some work to do, but for a few of you fellas out there: how in the hell did you score those women?  Teach me.

So, the NFL, feeling the crunch of the offseason news-less football black hole, and posted a feature about Coaches’ wives being the real MVP’s or some kind of crappy statement like that. That got me to thinking, what’s the status of the wives in the SEC? Deep South Sports had a great feature about it a while ago, and so we thought we’d like to have our own look (East wives first, West later):

*Disclaimer: These pictures may or may not actually be the people that I claim them to be, and if they are not, don’t blame me, blame Google*

Shelley Meyer (Florida)

- This wife, brought to you by the Letter “E.” Lady’s sporting 4 of em in her name. I wouldn’t be surprised if her middle name was Stefene or maybe even Eeeee! Also, apparently the whole one arm extended thing runs in the family.

Katharyn Richt (Georgia)

- Katharyn, could you spell your name any more awkwardly? How about Kahthahrynne? But that aside, the good Mrs. Richt has lots of… teeth. I mean, seriously, you can see her wisdom teeth in that photo. Also, her wardrobe is a bit suspect, but jean jacket aside, I’ll be she cleans up real nice.

Karen Brooks (Kentucky)

- Now now, I know which joke you’re expecting me to make here, but give me some credit. I try to avoid the super obvious jokes so just know that there will be no mention of Rich Brooks’ wife looking like a horse. Besides, the horses didn’t do anything wrong to be lumped in with her! Zing!

Jerri Spurrier (South Carolina)

- Is it just me, or does the bill on that cap look exceptionally huge? This can mean one of two things: she’s wearing a super gigantic billed cap, or her head is super tiny. Frankly, I’m going with the second one due to her being married to Steve. Either her brain was always really small, or it started atrophying after living with the man.

Vicky Fulmer (Tennessee)

- Now, I might have tricked you on this one, because Mrs. Fulmer is actually the second one in the picture. The lady in the foreground is actualy Ms. Fulmer, the good coach’s daughter. Who would’ve thunk it? Vicky is looking a bit thin, but perhaps that’s because every time she’s done with loading the fridge, she turns around, and voila, it’s empty. Magic Fridge!

Catherine Johnson (Vanderbilt)

- If Bobby Johnson looks like Steve Martin, the Catherine Johnson looks like, um, not anyone particularly famous. I mean, have you seen a more plain looking couple? It’s perfect that they both live and work in Nashville, the world’s most beige city. I mean, one of Vandy’s school colors is even beige. Way to go Catherine, now go have you guys some super plain kids!

Of course, these ladies might possibly be the MVPs of their teams, but until I find more evidence to the contrary, I’m just going to assume that they’re wives just like any other wives, controlling their husbands lives, and turning an otherwise healthy, happy man into a shell of his former self. Part two coming up soon!