I’ve always enjoyed watching ESPN. I’ve liked “the deuce” even more. I liked it back when they would show competitive bass feeding. Apparently, the feeling was mutual, as ESPN2 clearly (hearts) me back…

How sweet.

We don’t usually write about pro sports.  Well, not since the end of the Super Bowl, but we here at Fulmer’s Belly (which is basically me now, because don has decided to leave for more drunken pastures at the moment), felt the need to bring up an open coaching job for one of the “premiere coaches” of our humble league known as the Southeastern Conference.

This is an open letter to Urban Meyer:

You’ve filled your two-year quota of playing with and winning with (I’ll give credit where credit is due… to a point) other coaches’ players at your current school, and it’s about time you’ve moved on to greener pastures.

Urban’s record of ditching schools um, upward mobility has followed a pretty specific pattern.  2 years as the head man of the Bowling Green State University Falcons followed by 2 years as the head coach of the Utah Utes Fighting Mormons oh, it really is the Utes?  Ok then, and now filling up his second year as the head coach of the Fighting Spurriers Mighty Gators.  Well, we’re here to tell you that there is a new team that is looking for a head coach.

It is noted that every team you play for seems to be more ferocious than the last (we’re giving the Utes a break here and hoping that they can beat up birds…) and the new team that has a head coaching vacancy is even scarier than a gator.  What is this magical team I write about?  Well, it’s none other than the San Diego Lighting Bolts.  I guess technically, they’re called the Chargers but as function of my analogy here, let’s just go with the “Lighting Bolts” mmmkay?

I’m pretty sure this argument holds merit though.  Because alligators, the primitive beings they are, did not survive through the eons by being stupid enough to go toe to toe against bolts of electricity emanating from the heavens.

Here’s your chance Urban.  The pinnacle in coaching.  Not because we’re particularly scared of your cooky offense (also noting that you didn’t really run your offense the past couple of years), but we like to hedge our bets as much as the next guy, and so, we’d like to go ahead and give you the green light to take that next step in your career, and move to sunny Southern California.

Tennessee was able to beat their cross-border rival on Tuesday night, bringing Bruce Pearl’s orange blazer to 2-0 this season at home.  He has stated that he would only wear the orange blazer for rivalry games which currently include Kentucky and Vanderbilt.  Here’s the first vote for there to be rivalries with every other team that we play.  Oh yeah, and the Florida football team too.

Chris Lofton, along with Duke Crews and Wayne Chism accounted for 57 of Tennessee’s 89 points (I actually did the math on that one… so it’s probably wrong).  It’s good seeing the freshmen coming along with good interior play, as well as Lofton being able to stick it to his home state school by having his most productive game since his injury.

I faaaaart on your school Tubbs.
The crowd of close to 24,000 staged an “orange out” where just about everyone was wearing orange.  I can’t say for sure if that was the reason, but the ESPN cameras seemed to have a hard time focusing on any particular color, with the orange burning out at least a couple color chips in the cameras.  I mean, everything just looked a little bit off.  The blue that the UK players were wearing looked a little purple, and Bruce Pearl looked green.  But perhaps that’s because he’s the hulk.  So, maybe it looked fine in hindsight.

I think however, that the ridiculous amount of orange did contribute to Kentucky’s downfall.  If nothing else than the fact that normal human retinas aren’t designed to take in that level of color-blinding intensity.  The only humans that are accustomed to it are Vols fans and prison inmates.  And although this is the SEC, it’s not football, so there aren’t too many players with the requisite exposure and acclimation.

Up next for the BasketVols is a trip down to Columbia to face off against the narco-barons in  the continuing fight against drugs in our country.  Oh, wrong Columbia?  Are you sure?  Hmm, ok then, next up for the BasketVols is a trip down to Columbia to face off against the evil visor himself, Steven Orr Spurrier.  Wrong again?  Seriously, dub tee eff man?  Ok fine, up next for the BasketVols is a trip down to South Carolina for some oyster eating and cock beating.  Sounds like a dandy time.

The BasketVols pulled off the revenge game like they were on a mission, beating down the Commodores of Vanderbilt (man, that’s like 73 letters or something) at one point being up as many as 30.  It was pretty embarrassing to the bastard child of the SEC to not only have the UT players beat up on them, but then turn around and score higher than them on an exam regarding the war of 1812.  Sure, the UT players copied off of the players from Vandy, but how does that explain that UT scored higher?  Perplexing, I know.

Wayne Chism was the story of the game, with the big play being a 360 dunk which made the entire Tennessee bench, along with the 24,000 in attendance climax simultaneously.  It was quite a sight.  Chris Lofton quietly scored near his season average of 80 points, and the hope is that he will bring his “A” game against the school that represents the state from which he was brought up in (man, I tried really hard to not end that sentence in a preposition, but alas, I have failed).

Next up is another rivalry game in the form of Kentucky.  We are all hoping that Pat Summitt shows up to the game in some sort of regalia to repay the “Hulking Pearl” at the Lady Vols game.  I for one, am not super interested in seeing her bare chested, but wouldn’t mind seeing a couple of her players out there in nothing but paint.  Oh yeah, and can we bring back Shanna Zolman for this one too?

Want to see this scene again… With Candace Parker… Without Shirts.

Why will the BasketVols win the next game?  Well, there are a few reasons.  First off, it will be because I will suit up for the Vols one last time using the “out of eligibility but still granted one game even though I have absolutely no talent sports-wise whatsoever, but given the chance as a part of a ‘help the handicapped (in the pants)’ athlete” clause.  If that’s not enough reason for UT to win, I don’t know what is.

Well, Peyton Manning won the Superb Owl (legal reasons), the MVP of the game no less. Chris Lofton returned (although limited in playing time), leading the Vols to a win against LSU. The Lady Vols won what wasn’t even a game against Georgia (the men’s team). The Tennessee football team signed another top 5 recruiting class, and Philip Fulmer and David Cutcliffe were invited to South Beach to watch the big game.

Of all these things, I feel like the coolest thing is Fulmer and Cutcliffe getting to go to the game. Coach Cut and Coach Fulmer were interviewed after the game, check out the page here.

They both sound like proud papas, but we know that can’t be the case, because Peyton already has a daddy. Unless this is one of those situations like the “my two dads” show or the “three men and a little lady” movie where custody of the child hasn’t quite been established. I guess these things were more prevalent back in the 80s when Maury Povich wasn’t around to make sure babies’ daddies paid their babies’ mamas booze milk money.

Anyway, who’s Peyton’s daddy? Well, you decide. How sweet.

Seriously though, I’m pretty proud of Peyton, and I don’t even have his cell phone number. Nor do I know how to TXT like Fulmer does and apparently does to Superb Owl MVP winning quarterbacks.

How many people can rip off the same headline?

Some combination of “Peyton” or “Manning” with the word “Reign” which incidentally, apparently is a homonym for another word meaning that water is falling from the sky as it did in Miami. How freaking clever (not cleaver, because that’s what you cut things with).

The Associated Press/Yahoo, is super awesome at making up headlines, with their “Reign Manning” which also has a reference to a movie with Dustin Hoffman. Cute… And by “cute,” I mean, really stupid. ESPN is bad at it too, deciding to actually add something about the game too, with the super clever headline “Reign Manning.”

“Super Clever ESPN… SUPER”

Super Clever AP… Super… ugh.
If you’re gonna rip off a headline, you should rip off a good one. I mean, something better than “Reign Man.” C’mon. I wish someone wrote the headline “Walk Like A Manning” or something like that. Wow, that was really stupid too. But still better than ripping off another writer’s headline.

Anyway, we have the Pro Bowl to look forward to, and well, 9 months of excruciating and terrible and horrid and shitty and well, crappy time to pass.

Oh yeah, Go Vols. Way to beat a Gator (how awesome to be reminded of that right before the game with Rex Grossman’s mom doing the Gator Chomp).

EDIT:

Holy freaking crap, it just won’t stop.  Now we can add to the list:

“Raining Champs” and “Weathering the Storm”

CBS actually gets props for coming up with “Horsepower”