Ok, now it’s week 5? Ok, cool.Another name for this week, well, let’s see, since Craptacular Saturday has already been used, so, Shitacular Saturday is going to have to be it. With another week of a bunch of crappy games on tap, we look forward to the not that exciting game of the week. I’ll just say this before I continue: the best games of the weekend have already passed. The Auburn vs. South Carolina game was exciting to the last play, and the Rutgers vs. South Florida game actually did not disappoint like the Friday night games usually do.

Without further ado:

Week 5

#1 Ohio State vs. #13 Iowa

Okie dokie. Well, Ohio State comes into the game with an impressive record of, well, something – 0. I don’t really feel like looking it up, but I’m sure it’s something in the neighborhood of 4-0.

Iowa, comes into the game after some games that I didn’t watch, and well, are apparently ranked #13.

Mascots

First off, the Ohio State mascot is well, a nut. Or I guess more accurately, nuts. That’s pretty impressive when you can yell out comments like “you think you’ve got balls? we are the nuts!” This comes in particularly handy when one is playing a game of poker. In fact, from now on, I’m going to immediately fold to anyone wearing an Ohio State cap or any other Ohio State paraphanelia. Well, that, and the fact that alot of people who wear Ohio State clothing are library masturbaters.

That’s a big nut.

In fact, they’re mascot, Brutus the Buckeye, has a head made out of a nut. His head, is a huge nut. Damn, and we’re not talking about chinnuts either. Actually, perhaps that’s where they got it. We may never know.

I’ve got THREE nuts damnit… THREE

Iowa, well, they’re the Hawkeyes. They’re not even a hawk, they’re the Hawkeyes. I mean, if you’re the president of a newly formed school, and it’s your job to choose a mascot, well, would you choose an eyeball? Ok, well if you said yes, you’re a gaytard.

As it turns out, the mascot came from the nickname of the state, which came from a couple of dudes wanting to talk about how awesome the Black Hawk War was, and well, no doubt wanted to mention the dreamy eyes of Black Hawk, leading to the inevitable bungling of naming an entire state’s worth of people, forever cursing them and their families for generations to come.

The mascot’s just the EYE, just the EYE!

Alumni

Well, Iowa hasn’t exactly been the model of the modern celebrity generator, but BJ Armstrong, former observer teammate of Michael Jordan was a Hawkeye, so I can’t really say anything. I mean, his name is BJ. That by itself could almost make for a fair fight against the Ohio State balls Nuts.

Shit, where’s Mike? Damnit, I don’t know what to do…

In keeping with the innuendo theme, one of the more notable alumni of Ohio State is professional poker player and World Poker Tour announcer Mike Sexton. Mike, is best known for having perhaps an excitement level that is about 9 levels too high to be a poker sportscaster. My guess is that Mr. Sexton wanted at some point to be a wrestling announcer, but had to make do with (pun intended) the hand he was dealt.

Oh my! It’s a full house off the top rope! And Brunsen’s got him in a headlock!

I mean, at this point, what else is there to say, except that everyone in the country outside of the state of Ohio is rooting for OSU to lose. Iowa has a chance to make that happen, with them beating OSU last year and all, but it’ll be difficult with the likes of Brent Musburger making the call, wooing everyone in the stadium to sleep.

I think it’s going to be close, but the Ohio State fans will creep the Iowa players just enough for OSU to come through with the win. Enjoy Shittacular Saturday.

Apologies for the lack of posts this past week.  Part of the reason being that well, the games last week were really crappy, and the games this week, for the most part should be pretty crappy too, there just isn’t anything to write about.  I mean, who talks trash for a game against Leftern Central Northern Scranton State Technical College?

The real reason being that Don and I have been busy with doing lots of girls can ya believe it, work.  Look out for a preview of the weekend’s games tonight, and look out for that tree!

I’ve recently had a string of losing lots of money betting on squirrel races hiring the expensive whores paying bills that I didn’t even know I had to pay, which got me to thinking, “where does everyone get their money?” and more importantly, “what do people do when they’re poor?”Everyone knows there are programs out there that have lots of cash to pay players spending money like Tennessee, Florida, USC, Texas, Ohio State among others, but on the other end of the spectrum, there are schools that don’t even realize they have football programs like Kentucky, Michigan State, Temple, South Carolina (oh yeah, I went there).

Mississippi State University’s Football Training Facilities

So, what do these schools do? Well, let’s take a look shall we?

1. Try to save money by keeping names off the backs of the jerseys – Sure, this is an easy cost cutting measure, since once a player is kicked off the team for doing drugs or killing someone else, you can just give the jersey directly to the next felon student athlete.

2. Don’t pay the football players – I know this is shocking, but some schools actually think it’s a good idea not to pay their football players. They generally come up with lame excuses such as “moral integrity” “values” and other crap. Translation: “we suck.”

3. Replace the marching band with an iPod – This one is pretty smart actually. I mean, what would be better than having a thousand songs at your disposal? Tennessee’s iPod really only needs to be 4 megs though, just enough space to fit Rocky Top, and put it in a loop. There might not be enough batteries in the thing to last through 2,000 cycles however.

4. Going to away games via rickshaw – One of the bigger expenses any team has to endure is that of going to away games. Teams generally pay for a charter bus, or for games that are really far away, some teams even charter planes. This, as you may have guessed can get mighty expensive. By taking rickshaws, schools can dramatically cut down on travel costs. Sure, it might take a little longer, and by the end, some immigrant who moved to the US for a better life is dead, but the savings are fabulous.

There you have it. If you are the athletics director at a major university that doesn’t give a crap about their football program, feel free to use any or all of these cost-cutting measures. Which, btw, if Verne Lundquist is reading this, is pronounced “meh-shurr” not “may-shure”

Well, in news that’s not quite as exciting as another player being arrested, the Volunteers have reinstated Marsalous Wallace Johnson while the case is pending.  This is good news for Tennessee and the entire SEC because the league was getting soft.  It’s nice to have a potential felon back on an SEC roster.

As I’ve stated before, it’s traditionally been one of the SEC bragging points that there was a higher percentage of felons and criminals per team than any other conference.  This added to the indimidation factor for other schools from out of conference that felt that they could come in and vandalize SEC locker rooms or some such, where in fact, what would happen would be that their charter bus would be up on cinder blocks and they would go back to a locker room to find that all their ipods and clothes were stolen.  Take that Pac 10.

Whether or not the SEC can keep up the tradition is yet to be seen, but I have faith, and so should you.

Alright guys, I suck for not writing part 3 sooner, but I’ve been busy doing lots of girls   going out with lots of girls   looking at porn trying to catch some nip on a late night USA movie.  But if you’ve been following, we’ve been analyzing various outcomes of Fulmer losing his job.  So in this final part, we present why we should keep Fulmer.

• To keep the kudzu growth at bay.  Chattanooga has recently brought in a team of 30 goats and a guard donkey to help control kudzu growth.  But the real reason that kudzu has not overgrown the south is because Phillip Fulmer consumes approximately 300 tons of kudzu per day.
  
  Mmmmm, lunch
• Bruce Pearl – in order to retain Bruce Pearl, UT had to guarantee that he would never be the fattest head coach at the school.  In return, UT guaranteed Fulmer that he would never be the sweatiest.  There’s a delicate balance that I don’t want to mess with here, people.
  
• This blog – how can we keep writing a blog named after a coach that doesn’t work at Tennessee anymore?  Domain names and hosting cost money, and I’m out like $37 if we change coaches just after we made this site.
• The Peanuts.  Do you actually think people would get the Great Pumpkin jokes if Fulmer weren’t still around?  Charles Schulz is dead, and the continued success of ABC playing old Halloween specials relies strictly on people like me continuing to make people think that an annoying bald kid with an ugly sweater that can’t score with girls was actually funny at some point…wait….that kinda sounds like me…

I’d love to keep writing, but the girls wearing Playtex bras in my Kmart ad aren’t going to stare at themselves.

Ok, even though there is no reality to anything written on this site, I do try to make the conference round up somewhat realistic in how I feel the conferences are doing. This past week was sort of difficult to find a clear cut order. The Big 10 had a great showing overall, but the bungling of the ND-MSU game seriously docked the conference some major points. Anyway, off to the fake rankings:

Week 5

1. SEC – Surprise, surprise. Like the chances of Oprah being on the cover of “O” magazine, the SEC takes it’s place once again at the top of the rankings. Watching the games Saturday, I was very close to putting the Big 10 at the top. Then, well, John L Smith lost it for the conference. Sure, for the most part, I consider Notre Dame to be in the Big 10, but Michigan State, being the actual representative, coughed up the ball like well, like themselves.

The SEC was close to being knocked off the top this week thanks to Georgia having to bring in their 3rd quarterback to dispatch the winless Buffs of Colorado, Florida having a little trouble (in the first half anyway) putting away Kentucky, Mississippi losing yet another game to well, anybody and everybody, but Mississippi State got their first win of the season, so yay?

2. Big East – Wow, take a look at that. By virtue of the team that is traditionally the suckiest in the league being ranked in the top 25, the Big East gets the nod at #2 this week. Rutgers, the team that people used to pick on, make fun of, beat with their kids, and well, whatever else is bad, is undefeated thus far, and on their way to a National Championship berth at the end of the year in Glendale, Arizona. Ok, well, that last part, probably not unless every team 1-22 loses 3 games each, but still, it’s nice to be on the top looking down, isn’t it? Nice job coach Schiano.

Other parts of the conferences included West Virginia surviving East Carolina, Pitt taking care of business, Louisville looking pretty strong against another inferior opponent, and a bunch of other crappy games on Craptacular Saturday.

3. Big Ten – The Big Ten had a pretty huge showing over the weekend with a couple of pretty good games. But then I went back and looked at the actual record of the conference, and well, it didn’t look too good. Not counting the Michigan State loss, Northwestern, Illinois and Indiana all lost out of conference games. Ohio State looked a little more mortal during the first half at least. (Note: turns out Illinois lost to Iowa, so yeah, that was in conference, but yeah still.)

4. ACC – The ACC did pretty well over the weekend, with a few decent ACC games, along with the last minute Chuck Amato job-saving catch for NC State (although I must confess, I didn’t watch, because it was blacked out on the West Coast, not that I would have watched it anyway, since the Michigan State game started to get interesting at that point). Florida State bounced back, and Virginia Tech looked strong, with Beamer ball in full effect.
T5. Big 12 – The Big 12 took care of business this past weekend, with nothing really that interesting to note. Noteworthy scores were Oklahoma and Nebraska laying ass-whuppin’s on their inferior opponents, holding Middle Tennessee State and Troy to a total of 0 points while scoring a combined 115 points. Dayum.
T5. Pac 10 – The Pac only participated in 5 games over the weekend, and well, I didn’t see any of them. Well, no, I watched USC struggle more than they should against an Arizona team that lost by 200 points to LSU, and I watched Cal destroy another overrated Arizona State team. No bonus points.

Redshirt Sophomore Daniel Evans is a hero. Why is he a hero you ask? (You didn’t? Oh yes you did!) Did he save a kid from a burning building? Did he lift a car off of an old lady? Did he bang two chicks at once? Well, that last one might be coming true pretty soon.

No, he did none of those things. Instead, he gave someone hope. Someone who was trying to hold on to what little pride and self-worth he had left, who was inches away from falling into the chasm known as depression. Someone who at the conclusion of a football game on saturday, had it not been for Daniel Evans, would have probably stuck a shotgun in his mouth. That someone is none other than Chuck Amato.

Why is my voice so raspy? Doi~ Iono.

Chuck, first off, how old are you? Would it be that hard to just go by “Charlie” or whatever your name is? Also, what’s up with the shades? I mean, you kind of look like the kid in school who was always 2 years behind the fashions. I’m not even talking about the nerds, because there was always a nerd chic (um, not that I was one of those kids… nooooo), but that one kid who thinks he’s in the cool crowd, who well, isn’t.

Secondly, what’s up with the voice man? I’ve heard people on voice boxes that are easier to understand than you. I mean, it sounds like you took Ron Zook’s voice, and then made it even more feminine and raspy. It’s like a sorostitute’s voice after a night of going to 10 straight orgies mixers.

Anyway, I poke fun because I know Chuck took that shotgun out of his mouth after the game over the weekend. The reason? You guessed it: Daniel Evans. Evans throws a hail mary pass to the end zone, and it was caught by John Dunlap, to give the Wolfpack a win and Chuck Amato a week’s stay of execution. I mean, after the game, during the interview, he was crying. There’s no crying in football. Unless the ball comes flying at you, and nails you in the balls. Even then, only one tear is allowed.

Next time I hear of a head coach crying after winning a game, I’ll kick him in the balls myself. Then feed him to Coach Fulmer. That’ll teach him.