We’ve been taking a look at the completely true totally made up traditions of all the SEC schools. Although it’s gotten to the point where it’s actually getting hard to make crap up, where we might have to start sprinkling in some truths, we trudge on. All the way to the land of… um… lots of letters.

the Ole Miss Rebels

Ole Miss is where you go when you’re too stupid to go to school abroad but still want to say you went to school abroad. The reason behind this is that it is located in Oxford… Mississippi. But generally, people who are from the area, or have gone to the school conveniently leave out the second part of the locale.
Mascots

I am NOT Colonel Sanders damnit…

The Ole Miss mascot, “Mr. Rebel” was not Colonel Sanders, the famous Louisville Mascot. He was the Colonel’s lesser-known cousin, Corporal Sanders. He tried to follow in the footsteps of his wildly successful cousin by selling fried frogs legs. While the taste was roughly the same, there just “wasn’t enough dag gone meat on ‘em bones.” Having failed in his attempts to become rich in the restaurant business, he decided to instead, go into business as a consonant salesman, where he tricked the state of Miiii, into buying several unnecessary letters causing Ole Miss Freshmen elementary school students frustration for years to come.

Stadium

Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, on the campus of the University of Mississippi or was it Mississippi University, is a quaint stadium made even more quaint by the fact that the stadium itself is in fact, blurry. The picture I found online isn’t crappy, the stadium is actually blurry! This causes problems for opposing teams that find their way into the unknown territory of bad resolution reality, giving the Rebels a decided advantage over those who see clearly.
Traditions

The Rebels have a great tradition of being rebellious. As of late, they have been rebelling against winning football games or keeping good coaches instead opting to bring in coaches in danger of having their heads explode from anger.

Another well-known tradition involves the uber-preppy attire for the student section. This not only serves to completely eliminate home field advantage, but also gives way to many wedgies being given by the visiting fans to said students.

So before you decide to go to a game at Ole Miss, make sure you bring your “wedgie pullin’ gloves.”

Next up

the Mississippi State Bulldogs

Mascots

Mississippi State, being the innovators that they are, decided to steal the mascot name of the Georgia Bulldogs. It was well documented that the first mascot at MSU was in fact a stolen Uga, or the “lost Uga.” Georgia fans don’t like to talk about it, so don’t ask.

Aside from the fact that the lineage of the mascot can be traced to a felony, the fans of Mississippi State are very proud for what they’ve done. Shame, Mississippi State, Shame.

Stadium

The stadium at Mississippi State, which actually has a name (Davis Wade), was built around the time of the Roman Empire as can be evidenced by the columns lining the stadium. There wasn’t any mention of the particular stadium in the Roman history books soley due to the fact that it would have taken years to write out “Mississippi State” in Roman lettering.

One of the more interesting features of the stadium is that it was built on a site that was originally planned to be the University academic department. This plan was soon dissolved when it was mentioned that they were playing in the SEC, and academics had no place in a conference such as that.

Traditions

Mississippi State has the distinction of being the longest school name in the SEC. For this reason alone, it has become tradition for most sportswriters to never write about them, simply because they do not feel like typing out M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i–S-t-a-t-e (that took me in the neighborhood of 12 hours to type).

Mississippi State became famous for being “party poopers” when they decided to take a cheer to a new level when the bells were taken off of every cow in the state in order to make up for the fact that there weren’t any fans in the stadium whilst still creating an imposing atmosphere. The NCAA soon ruled that the practice of bringing cow bells to games was “too hick,” creating panic for every tradition at every other SEC school. Other SEC schools were spared the embarassment of having all of their traditions banned by the NCAA when they pointed out that Mississippi State was in fact the stepchild of the SEC.

Ahh, week 1. The week we’ve all been waiting for all summer long. It’s so close that we can all almost taste it. Wait, that might be the bratworst that was stuck between my teeth since last season ended. I guess I could start flossing like my dentist told me to… but I digress…

We now present: the Week 1 Games of the Week.

Generally, Week 1 could be renamed: Weak 1 (haha, I kill me… that’s a good one right there), but this year, we actually have 2 contests that qualify as pretty good games.

• Game of the Week (1)

vs.

#12 California vs. #23 Tennessee

This is an interesting matchup with both teams coming into the game with serious questions such as:

Will Cal bring the cheerleaders that wear the sweaters? We hope the answer to this is no, seeing as how California has some very nice eye candy that they can contribute to the fold, and it would be a shame to see them covered up by long-sleeved sweaters or for that matter, anything longer than the already too long cheerleader unis.

Cal Cheerleaders: always able to ruin gameday with long-sleeved cheerleaders

Will Tennessee field the male cheerleaders? Unfortunately, the answer to this is almost always yes. Although I suppose it’s good to have something for the ladies to look at on the sidelines, I’ve found that it kills what little chance I had of hooking up with someone in the stands.

As the men stand guard in the rear

• Game of the Week (2)

vs.

#11 Florida State. vs. #10 Miami (FL)

Otherwise known as the “wide right” bowl, Florida State, and it’s coach of 7 million years Bobby Bowden, look to knock off Miami in what could be a preview of the ACC Championship Game. Both teams have a lot on the line, and Fulmer’s Belly has insights into just what those things might be:

“Hey, I can see that girl’s nipple… hehehe”

Florida State’s ability to have hot fans go to away games. Normally, I would answer no, seeing as how girls that dress like that generally don’t know where they are let alone caring enough about their football team to actually follow them to another school, but this would be a rare exception seeing as how the game will be held in Miami (that’s Florida, not quite the spring break destination as Miami, Ohio, but still). If there’s one thing girls like more than being attention whores at football games, it’s getting tans at South Beach and then being attention whores at football games.
Miami’s ability to not have people make fun of their coach. Larry Coker has done quite well since he has been at the healm of “the U,” but there are those who still think he might possibly be a zombie, soul inhabiting a deceased being, zombie. Although there is no documented proof that he in fact is a zombie, it seems that sometimes he has to try to show that he’s not by doing things such as post game interviews, and clapping on the sidelines.

I am not a zombieeeeeeeee…. ooh, brains…

Whether or not he can overcome the plight of the undead remains to be seen, but it does seem to help that he can disembody himself long enough to block any winning field goal attempts by anyone wearing a Seminoles jersey without being caught.

Ahh, it’s almost football season again, and just thinking about it makes me hungry for brains bratwurst.

Enjoy!

Next up in our critically acclaimed somewhat read about series of traditions that make up what is known as the Securities and Exchange Commission Southeastern Conference, we profile a team that needs no introduction. Wait, they do need an introduction? Ok, the Lakers of the South:

the LSU Tigers

Mascots

The official mascot for LSU is the Drunken Tiger Jackie Chan. Although official documents generally leave that tidbit of information out of the annual media guide, it is a well known fact that the master of the Drunken Tiger Style was and always will be, Jackie Chan. During halftime at an LSU home game, Jackie can be seen pacing the sidelines while occasionally running up one goalpost then leaping to the other all without use of a stuntman.

Stadium

The stadium at Louisiana State, after a 2 year survey and search for creative names, was named Tiger Stadium. Also commonly referred to as “Death Valley,” Tiger Stadium used to play host to a variety of Romanesque “Lady or the Tiger” type rituals were several freshman along with pass-dropping wide receivers were sent to their deaths via tigers (in an attempt to ensure fun at every event, both doors contained tigers).
It was highly debated whether to call the stadium after the instruments of the killing or the actual result of the killings, so a compromise was reached when university officials decreedthat the stadium would officially be known as “Tiger Stadium” and that “Death Valley” would simply be a nickname.

Traditions

The State University of Louisiana has long been known for it’s tradition of taking things a bit too literally. One of these traditions was when the band would play “Ragtime,” and all the fans would simultaneously remove rum-soaked rags from their pockets and squeeze every last bit of hooch outinto their baby bird-like awaiting mouths. This tradition was unofficially banned after several fans mistakenly brought motor oil soaked rags and had to be treated at the university hospital. The tradition is still practiced however limited to the student section.

Before getting on to the next school, we’d like to acknowledge the tragedy of Comair Flight 5191 out of Lexington Bluegrass Airport, a tragic accident killing 49 of its 50 passengers. I currently live in Lexington and an accident happening so close to home is sobering. Our thoughts are with the families of those who lost loved ones.

On a much lighter note, next on our list of SEC schools is the greatest cellar dweller ever….

The Kentucky Wildcats

The Kentucky Wildcats are a team most schools in the SEC can count on for a win during a rough season. This is a result primarily of the regions keen interest in basketball, reducing football season into something that one has to endure until Rupp Arena opens and Tubby Smith takes the court. The end of nearly every football game has fans grumbling with the likes of, “just wait til you play us in basketball”. Although in recent years the basketball team has not performed up to expectations (read: national title or at least a Final Four appearance).

A few tidbits (unlike the majority of this article, these are not made up):

• The last football coach to leave Lexington with a winning record retired in 1961.
• The great Paul “Bear” Bryant coached the Wilcats for 8 seasons but grew tired of being a second class coach compared to Adolph Rupp. Bryant angrily quit after the school administration awarded Rupp with a brand new Cadillac during the annual sports banquet and similarly awarded Bryant with a brand new Zippo lighter.
• The last winning season was in 2002 when the Wildcats went 7-5 under fatty Jared Lorenzen.

The Mascot

Kentucky’s mascot is Scratch, a blue cat. The animal you see on television is actually a Kentucky Wildcat, known to the scientific community as Shiattius Atfootballius. Lexington was actually overrun by human sized blue cats so catching one to perform during the games was not difficult. Widespread poaching has led this species to become nearly extinct, so they’re a little hard to find if you were to go up to Lexington now to look for one.

The Stadium

Commonwealth Stadium on gameday – a record crowd of 27, all sitting out of view of the camera

Commonwealth Stadium is located on the campus of the University of Kentucky. Being a current UK grad student and a former UTK undergraduate, I was quite awed when I first experienced gameday in Lexington. I was driving on to campus when I suddenly realized I was attempting to drive on the university roads a few hours before kickoff. In Knoxville, it’s suicide to approach campus even the night before a game as traffic is ridiculous, but this apparently wasn’t the case in Lexington. I was able to actually drive by the stadium without any significant delay 4 hours before kickoff. This of course isn’t because of well built roads and excellent civil engineering but rather due to the lack of fans in attendance (this was the UK/Louisville game – one of the biggest of the season). Most fans that do attend usually tricked by Rich Brooks into thinking that Commonwealth is hosting an outdoor basketball game. Fans generally do not understand the rules of college football (overheard during a Kentucky drive, with time running out and no timouts remaining) – “Don’t worry…we’ve still got the 2 minute warning.” (jon’s note: this was an actual quote overheard at an outdoor basketball game football game)
Traditions

Most fans blame the weakness of the team on the Curse of Bear Bryant. Apparently, UK fans think that Paul Bryant practiced voodoo and placed a curse on the football team, dooming them to an eternity of crappy play. The truth is that the university administration and athletic department really doesn’t care that much about football, as most resources are devoted to the basketball team. I actually recently overheard a rumor from a UK athlete where the football team is actually barred from using the weight room during certain times during the summer so that the basketball team can work out in private.

The fans are notoriously uncreative, as the crowd’s most familiar cheer is, “C…..A……T……S…..C..A..T..S..CATS CATS CATS!”

The only other tradition that comes to mind is the Louisville/UK football game to kickoff each season. This is really just a precursor to the Louisville/UK basketball game which happens in December. It goes without saying that UK has lost the vast majority of the football games to Louisville.

If you’re just joining us, we’ve been doing a run-down of all of the SEC teams. We’ve now alphabetically come to…

The Georgia Bulldogs

The Bulldogs are a perennial top 25 team and one of the three powerhouse programs in the SEC East. It almost goes without saying that any team able to emerge unscathed from the SEC deserves a shot at the national title (Auburn was screwed). UGA is always a contender at the national level and show no signs of being any less this coming year.

The Mascot

The mascot of the bulldogs is the…well, bulldog. The official team’s mascot is uncreatively named Uga, the current dog being Uga VI. Uga is the fattest mascot ever, hardly able to take 10 steps before collapsing from a pulmonary embolism. Uga V tragically died after trying to consume a Georgia cheerleader. He got only as far as the pom-pom before choking to death. An apparent Good Samaritan attempted CPR, but it was in fact just a drunk local attempting to hook up with the poor canine. It was reported that his sister was thrown into such a jealous rage he had to sleep outside for a week and wasn’t even allowed access to their outhouse. We’re not trying to imply that all Georgian’s are yokels…that just speaks for itself.

The Stadium

They’re stupid – They painted the G on upside down

Sanford Stadium is home to the UGA football team, seating 92,746 fans. After having been so proud of naming their dog Uga, they then stole the Green Bay Packer’s logo and painted on the field, continuing their trend of uncreative and unoriginal ideas to boost their program (many of which are Yale inspired…which is a bit like Jessica Simpson aspiring to think like Stephen Hawking). The stadium was named after the popular TV series, Sanford and Son.

Sanford and Son, enjoying the game from their club level seats

Traditions

Georgia is steeped in traditions. If you’ve ever visited Sanford Stadium, you’ll know that it’s standard procedure to be extremely rude to the visiting team and their fans, doing things that include, but not limited to, throwing empty liquor bottles, raising the middle finger, and exposing their “honky tonk badunkadunks”.

Georgia also has a band that plays their fight song, “Georgia’s on my Mind”. Between the 3rd and 4th quarters, the band plays the theme song to Sanford and Son, with all alumni standing with a hand over their heart, pretending to have a heart attack.

On a side note, I really hate Georgia. Not necessarily the school so much as the whole state and everything that it encompasses. Except Stone Mountain, that place is really fun….what with the huge rock sculpture thing and the laser show. You just can’t beat a good laser show.

Today we’ll be examining our first team from the SEC East:

the Florida Gators

The Gators are probably the most rivaled (while I’m not sure if that’s a word or if that is the correct usage for it, I’m much too lazy to look it up) school in the SEC as nearly every school in the East aren’t satisfied with their year unless they beat Florida.

Mascot

The mascot of the University of Florida is an alligator. This is a really stupid mascot (although not nearly as bad as an Orangeman) as alligators do nothing but float in the water and get themselves confused with crocodiles. Gainesville is located amid swamps and actually has alligators living in and around the city, but school officials are much too pansy to wrestle one down and make it sit on the sidelines, much like Uga (the least creative mascot name in the NCAA) or Smokey. We here at Fulmer’s Belly offered to do so, but officials were speechless in the mere presence of our awesomeness, so instead we hooked up with made out with looked at were issued restaining orders by multiple beautiful coeds.

Stadium

Ben Hill Griffin Stadium

Ben Hill Griffin Stadium is one of the most formidable venues for opposing teams to visit. Steve Spurrier, being unhappy with a gay name like Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, nicknamed it the Swamp, probably the least opposing and most depressing names it could have been given. Most people erroneously assume that Ben Hill Griffin Stadium was named after its benefactor, Ben Hill Griffin Jr., but this is not the case as it would have been called Ben Hill Griffin Jr. Stadium. It is in fact named after famed comedian Benny Hill, the Griffin was later added so the bastards wouldn’t have to pay any royalties to him.

Derrr…I’m the captain!

Traditions

The most important tradition of the Gators is to get the gayest names possible. After realizing Spurrier had become too strong a name, they hired a Ron Zook, which after much debate was determined to be a stupid name rather than a gay name. A nationwide search led them to Urban Meyer who now is considered by many to have the gayest name in college football.

Each year, the Florida/Georgia game is played in Jacksonville at ALLTell Stadium and is dubbed the World’s Gayest Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. This is because when both teams meet, such an extraordinary level of suckiness occurs that everyone just decides it’s better to drink than to think about how crappy their team is (being a UT alum, you, the reader may consider me to be a bit biased, but I practice fair journalism and do not let my feelings get involved in my reporting). I really hate Georgia.

Florida also has a band with the gayest name in the NCAA, the Pride of the Sunshine. I assume they play music before and during the game, probably sometimes even after. The probably practice sometime. The crowd does some stupid chomp thing with their arms when the team is performing well. They don’t seem to care that everyone else thinks this looks ridiculous.

Between the 3rd and 4th quarter, fans sing “We are the Boys from Old Florida”, a tribute to UF formerly being an all boys school (the decision to change this being the only non-gay decision in the history of the university).