Every year, hundreds of young mens’ hopes and dreams are dashed when they are not drafted in the NFL Draft. It has always been so, and it shall always be so. So, what’s a youngin’ to do in such a situation? Rethink the job offer from Waffle House of course. Either that or try to make it on a team as a free agent.

Free agency is an event in which people that have no chance of getting a job try their best to convince themselves that they have a shot at a job whilst teams parade around open roster spots as if they’re going to be filled by some kid who’s not good enough to get drafted in the first place. It’s really quite a beautiful thing.

If this happened in the real world, there would likely be some sort of federal investigation for fraud, but since it is the world of professional football, people tend to look the other way. Is this fair? Of course not, but is it fair that douchebags get to bang hot chicks while I’m stuck hoping some frumpy housemaid comes to my door advertising her “cleaning services?” No, it’s really not.

So, free agents will parade around in their skivvies for another month or two, hoping to even make the practice squad of a football team, but for most, the reality of the situation is that there just isn’t room for everyone to play professional football. As it turns out, this works out quite nicely for the rest of the country because frankly speaking, fries don’t fry themselves you know.

So I say to you, idealistic and naive free agents: Does cheese count as a topping on my 3-topping pizza? Also, can you get here in 30 minutes?

After repeated threats great entries in the comment contest, we have decided to award a new winner this week in the Comment Contest.  This week’s winner is MoonDog, and before we get to his comment, let me just mention that he has a blog over in the good part of town with you know, actual good writing and stuff.  Check it out: The World According to MoonDog.  I especially liked his post about how he got his nickname.

Holy Shit. When are we going to get a question like “What’s the worst blog on the net?” All I have to do is say “mine” and I’m a winner.

Alright. Auburn football. The only Auburn player I know personally is Mark Pera. He graduated several years ago and he started for two of his four season on the Plains. He isn’t the worst obviously because he started, but since I really don’t give a rat’s ass about Auburn football, I’m going with him.

Singers. Going with Beyonce. You know you’re hot when you transcend your profession. Anyone that can shill anything from air freshener to cosmetics has got to be smokin’.

If I don’t win this week I’m telling Buzz Bissinger on you.

I have to admit, I had no idea who Buzz Bissinger was (as it turns out, an investigative reporter of some sort who wrote Friday Night Lights), but you know, we do take to threats kindly here (in terms of the Comment Contest at least), and so, MoonDog, you’re the winner!

Okie dokie, last week’s Comment Contest was more difficult that the previous one, and this one will be a doozy (doozie? duzi?) too.  We’re looking to find the worst football players from all of the SEC schools, and so far we’ve pretty much come up with Kelley Washington from Tennessee and either Ken Stabler or John Parker Wilson from Bama.  Well, we continue down the list, and are looking for the worst again.

1. Who was the worst Auburn football player ever?  (If you have any friends from Auburn, feel free to have them chime in as well).

2. As has been tradition, the second question is generally about some sort of hot girls, but we’re running out of “school related” girl questions, so I’ll open it up a bit.  Who is the hottest singer out there right now?

Comment away, and we’ll pick a winner for Monday.

Whoever picks up Lofton in this year’s NBA draft is going to be the luckiest team in the NBA. With the news coming out from ESPN last week that Lofton was battling testicular cancer during the last offseason and in recovery during the season, there is a new found respect for the young shooting guard out of Maysville, KY. Not only is it hard enough to fight a potentially deadly disease, it’s unheard of to do it secretly while training for a top 10 basketball team.

I really admire Chris for what he did and can totally understand why he didn’t want to tell anyone. For most people, the early season criticism he was receiving would have been demotivating, but it probably just got him in the gym that much more. He wasn’t about to use his disease as an excuse for his play, and that’s the most courageous thing I’ve seen in a long time.

It also brings to mind Lance Armstrong, the 7 time Tour de France winner who lost a testicle to the same disease. And not to diminish anything Lance has accomplished (when boning Sheryl Crow is the 8th coolest thing he’s done, behind winning his 7 yellow jerseys, you know you’re pretty badass), but Chris kept up with the big boys WHILE being treated for cancer. Plus, Lance lost a ball, which made him scientifically more aerodynamic and helped him glide to victory.

All joking aside, we here at Fulmer’s Belly salute Chris Lofton, and we’re sad to see you go. If there’s anyone that will get us to start watching the NBA, it’s you. We’ve enjoyed watching you these last four years and are eagerly awaiting what’s next for you.

Let’s face it. Women’s basketball is the most successful sport at the University of Tennessee, but for the most part, people are more interested in football and men’s basketball (as of late anyway). So, our poll question to you this week is, between the two “major” sports, which do you prefer?

So by now, it’s old news that Ramar Smith and Duke Crews both got the boot from the mens basketball team, both due to substance abuse violations and academics. Supposedly, the dismissals are not related, but I find this a little doubtful. Duke’s name had been dropped repeatedly in articles that mention “academic shortcomings” or “the ganja”, but where was Ramar’s name? It’s been no secret that Duke enjoyed a little medical marijuana to get through his heart ailment, but this is the first time we’ve heard anything about Ramar. Ramar was probably even a model citizen, helping little old ladies cross the street, charming them with his boyish ways, and saving airplanes from terrorists.

This presented Pearl with a bit of a dilemma. Five star point guards don’t average -4.7 points per game (he just couldn’t figure out which basket was which), but you can’t just let a local hero go on a lark. That sets up our scene, Bruce Pearl sitting alone in his office, fuming because he can’t think of a way to get rid of Ramar. An assistant walks in with some troubling news about a smell emanating from Duke’s dorm room…

Assistant: Coach, it looks like Duke’s puffing the magic dragon again. He called me last night and asked if we could make a Cheetoh run.

Pearl: Dammit Ramar!

Assistant: No, it’s Duke. Right now, he’s making sweet love to the women’s basketball team poster outside.

Pearl: That’s all I can take from Ramar. Get him off this team.

Assistant: Don’t you mean Duke?

Pearl: I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

Assistant: Okay…

Pearl: Oh, and tell Duke I need another dime bag…he can swing it by my pad around 9

True story. You think we made this up? Bruce Pearl said “pad”. You can’t make that stuff up. This breaking story has been brought to you by our crack investigative journalism, where we believe in filling in pieces of a story we didn’t actually investigate with fluff that probably happened.

This past week, we asked you, valued reader, to tell us who the worst Bama player ever was.  Also, who had the hottest cheerleaders.  This week’s comment contest winner: Jay

This is despite the fact that he didn’t really choose a player for being “bad” but rather based on his name, and the annoyance that accompanied said name.  He also did not pick “cheerleaders” per se, but rather a dance team, but who can argue with that picture?

1. John Parker Wilson may not be the worst, but I get tired of the stories about him. Or, maybe it’s the way that every broadcaster doing one of their games thinks he must say “John Parker Wilson” at every available opportunity. I actually think that these guys are unsure which name to use when discussing him. “Do I call him John, or Parker, or just Wilson?”

2. I submit the Ole Miss Dance Team.
http://www.jasonbaker.net/umfball/99bama/rebettes.jpg

These uniforms have that kind of look that makes me check to make sure that I have plenty of ones and enough money to pay for an exorbitant cover and the minimum 2 drinks at $45.

John Parker Wilson. John Parker Wilson. John Parker Wilson.

If you didn’t win this time, try again next time on Friday.  Be sure to add links to pictures of hot girls, and you know, write funny things about farts and what not.  Also, apparently it doesn’t even matter if you follow the rules or not.